e-mail
In this series, I have been discussing issues surrounding lack of support from family and friends when you choose to adopt. Most of what I have been discussing involves the way that your family and friends treat your child. There are other ways that family and friends can fail to show support that do not directly affect the child.
A big issue for me was the people in my life who tried to “comfort” me by offering alternative ways of looking at my situation. I am a person who likes to be in control of my own life. Facing infertility was VERY difficult for me. Becoming a mother consumed my life, first through the infertility process and then through the adoption process. A person could argue that I was “obsessed.” LOL
Some of my family members tried to offer words of comfort that really stung. The worst was when one family member said that perhaps God did not intend for me to become a mother. Boy, did that hurt. Her heart was in the right place, but it had the opposite affect of what she intended. She knows that I have a strong faith in God and seek to do His will. She hoped that I would see a divine purpose in my inability to become a mother through either birth or adoption at this point in my life. Instead, I was flabbergasted that my own grandmother would think that I would be such a terrible mother that God would divinely sterilize me when He did not go through the trouble for women who disposed of their newborns in dumpsters. That comment really hurt.
Another family member told me that I would not yearn for a child so much if I knew how much responsibility was involved. Now that I am a parent, I get what she was trying to say. When you become a parent, you give up a lot, like sleeping in on Saturdays and going out to the movies whenever you want. However, you gain so much more than you give up through the joys in the relationship you share with your child, and I knew this even before becoming a mother myself. So, I took this comment the wrong way – as if she thought I was too irresponsible to be a mother. That hurt, too.
To survive these types of comments, I had to look past the words and into the heart. Both of these women truly meant to comfort me – they just went about it the wrong way. Fortunately, I had enough support from my sister and friends to help me through this painful time in my life. People in our society are not accustomed to comforting people in their grief. We barely offer support to those who lose a loved one to death – our training in comforting people through other forms of grief is woefully inadequate. It is so important to have at least one good friend whose shoulder you can lean on during this difficult time. That way, when you don’t receive the support you need, you have someone you can turn to.
Related Links:
