In most cases, family and friends who are unsupportive of adoption are motivated by fear of you being hurt. These people love you dearly, and they believe they see a pitfall that you are not seeing. They try to pressure you to agree with them, not because they want to “control” you but because they truly fear that you will be hurt. This happens not only with adoption but with many life decisions, such as with who you marry, what profession you choose, and any other big decision that will affect the rest of your life. For those relatives, seeing the happiness that results from the choices you make is enough to calm and reassure them.
For relatives who are truly motivated out of love, educating them is the key. This is what I did with my grandparents. I told them the facts about adoption. I let them know how thoroughly I researched the adoption process, and I told them how much I loved this little baby who I had not even met yet. When they saw my happiness, they became happy for me, and the fact that my son joined our family through adoption became a non-issue for them.
Other people, particularly extended family, can be motivated by other reasons, and those tend to be the people who refuse to educate themselves about anything that is contrary to their own belief system. This presents a challenge to a hopeful adoptive couple who just wants their child to be loved and accepted as a member of the family. If you have a particularly closed-minded relative who absolutely refuses to accept your adopted child as a member of your family, you might be forced to make some hard decisions.
I always look for the least confrontational way to effectively handle a conflict. Sometimes this can be accomplished by having a respectful but firm conversation with the family member. Be specific about your expectations. Say, “You don’t have to like the fact that we are adopting, and you don’t have to like our child, but you WILL treat our child with respect in the following ways…” Be specific, such as providing the following ground rules:
- You will be polite and hospitable to him.
- You will not refer to him as our “adopted” child in his presence or the presence of our family.
- You will give him a gift or card on any occasion in which you would provide a gift or card for any of his cousins.
- You will include him in extended family photographs.
These are very reasonable requests that anyone who wants to keep you in his life should be willing to make.
If your family member refuses to agree to these terms, then you need to limit and/or cut off contact with that family member once your child joins your family. That might sound extreme, especially if you perceive that you have a “close” family. However, if you have a family member who would treat your child badly, I question how “close” you really are to that person. Loving someone means being respectful to the people he cares about. When you become a parent, your first priority must be protecting your child. This means removing your child from situations in which someone, whether family or not, will hurt him.
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