You cannot go through life without making decisions that others will not agree with. It is not possible to please all of the people all of the time. For some decisions, the fallout might not matter that much. When it comes to adopting, the way you handle the situation is CRUCIAL to the well-being of your child. If you want your child to be okay with his adoption, then you need to model that you are okay with it and that you will not tolerate others NOT being okay with it in your child’s presence.
You do not have the power to “force” the people in your life to like the fact that you are adopting. You do have the power to insist that they treat your child respectfully and as a member of your family. You have the power to demand that your child be shown the same respect as any other child in your extended family, such as receiving birthday cards and Christmas presents and being included in family photographs. If your extended family refuses to treat your child as a member of the family, then they are making the choice to no longer interact with you. In most families, relatives who are faced with the choice of either (1) being respectful to your child, or (2) losing their relationship with you, will step up and behave politely. If they are not willing to do this, you owe it to your child to remove your nuclear family from those dynamics.
You can lay the groundwork for a smoother relationship before the child enters your life. My grandparents had some serious reservations about my choice to adopt, which I will get into in my next post. I made it clear that I was adopting and that I already LOVED this baby. My grandparents loved me enough to try to see the baby as mine. The first time they met my son, all of their reservations melted away. I believe my attitude and my love for this baby is what opened up their hearts. Of course, the fact that he was a precious baby probably had a little something to do with it, too.
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LOL I was reading all that “you can force your family to accept your child” stuff thinking “um, excuse me, they make a hobby of not accepting me already.” Then I got to the “or leave” part. So in the end I do agree with you.
Lucky for me I live on a different continent from any of my relatives so I don’t even care… They won’t have the opportunity to know my kids. They don’t deserve it.
Mongoose,
Thanks for your comment. Yep, living on a different continent helps!! LOL I, too, have a family member who is not a part of my life (by my choice) because it is the best thing for my nuclear family. It is a sad reality that sometimes this is necessary. My relative does not deserve to know my kid, either.
I am glad that you have been able to grow your nuclear family so that you can experience a good family. I know the heartbreak of a bad one.
Have a good day!!
- Faith