I’ve just urged you to form a relationship with the expectant mother considering adoption who has chosen your family as a match. There are some who do not feel that this advice is in the best interest of the expectant family. While I know that there are some ethical considerations, I do know that it can be one of the best ways to ensure that you’re all on the same page regarding what your open adoption will entail.
So, how do you go about making your match an ethical one?
Things to avoid:
1. Do not give the expectant family any money.
2. Don’t offer lavish gifts.
4. Don’t make promises that you have no intention of keeping.
Things to do:
1. Spend time together, getting to know one another.
2. Discuss boundaries early and often.
3. Attend counseling both together and apart.
4. Discuss what will be done if the expectant mother chooses to parent.
The last piece under “things to do” is what I have rarely heard of any matches do: discuss what will be done if the expectant mother decides to parent. The potential adoptive parents have discussed it amongst themselves. The expectant family has discussed it amongst themselves. But I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of a potential adoptive family discuss with an expectant mother what will be done if the mother decides to parent. Will they be angry? Will they seek revenge? Will any money be paid back (which is why I told you not to exchange money)? When these questions loom unanswered, expectant mothers can feel an obligation to place. That’s why addressing the question is one way to ensure that your match remains ethical.
You can have an ethical match. I promise you. It just involves following the laws of your state, acting with the best interest of the child at heart and remembering that, at the current time, the expectant mother has the right to decide to parent. It’s hard but it can be done.
