My co-blogger Renee recently discussed some important thoughts on timing. She had some great points of consideration for families who are planning to adopt. While all of her points should be taken into consideration, I have one more when it comes to the words “timing” and the concept of “planning your family.”
There is no perfect time.
This is actually the advice that I give any friend or acquaintance who talks to me about planning a family and immediately starts listing off the reasons as to why they should not add to their family at the current time. Here are things that they often cite:
1. The economy.
2. The size of their house.
3. A busy time at work.
4. Another child dealing with an issue.
The list continues, of course. The truth is that all of those reasons are valid points! The economy is not so great right now. In fact, the economy itself is one reason that some are experiencing a busy time at work right now. With layoffs and cut backs, others are being forced to pick up the slack. (For no more money, and sometimes, for a pay cut, even!) And, yes, the size of a house can be a hindrance. And if another child is dealing with a life threatening issue, as an example, perhaps it’s not the best time to consider adding to your family.
But the truth is that there will be no perfect time. No matter when you decide to add to your family, something will go wrong. Your reliable vehicle will suddenly decide to quit working. (Our transmission went the week before our youngest son was born.) Your basement will flood causing heavy damage and a need for repairs. Someone you are close to might pas away. The list of awful things that have happened to myself and my friends as they were making the decision or going through the process of adding to their families goes on. It’s not a pretty list. I don’t really want to scare you.
But that’s the point: bad things will happen. You can worry about them all. You can even make meticulous plans to avoid the worst things. You can avoid bringing home a child on a difficult, stressful day only to find that someone horrible happens on that day anyway. (Friends of mine brought home their daughter on the afternoon of 9/11 as an example.) You have no way of predicting the future. As Renee pointed out so perfectly, you can do everything in your power to make sure you are doing right by your children. But if you’re waiting for the perfect set of circumstances to arise in order to make that decision to adopt, you’re going to be waiting for quite some time. (Especially considering our current economy!)
What am I saying? Sit down with your partner tonight. Make a plan. What absolutely needs to be done in order to move forward with an adoption? What is merely a “that would be nice” point? What doesn’t matter at all? Write all those things out. Make a plan to accomplish those “must do now” things. See if you can accomplish the “nice” list. And simply let go of the unnecessary things. Once you’re on the path, you’ll be glad… even if your basement floods.
Trust me.
Jenna -
I agree completely with what you add about timing in this post. None of the children who have entered our family have entered at an ideal or easy time. I wouldn’t have postponed their arrivals, in fact, I was given the option for one and chose not to postpone. But, through the excitement of bringing home another child I didn’t think clearly about how the situation would affect our kiddos and because of that, caused them some undue stress that could have been avoided with better planning.
I agree wholeheartedly though, don’t let a situation or difficulty keep you from pursuing your children.
Great post Jenna! – Renee
Renee; Yes, I thought your post was absolutely fabulous. It hit those points that should be discussed that, sadly, often aren’t. But as I was just discussing with my friends who are considering adoption this past week… I just couldn’t let the week go without writing this post. There’s just no perfect time.
Especially if you own a basement.
What do you think about the timing of adding a biological child to the family? We have adopted two older children (12, 10), in fact the second adoption was just finalized last week. How do I now when to start having bio kids too? I am so ready to have babies and be a stay at home mom.