Faith, wouldn't having the birth mother participate or veto first names send some strong and unitentional messages? It sure feels like co-parenting. It almost invites the birth mother to think that this is a blended family operation, which adoption is not. Itsn't it setting the birth mother up for a problem, as the adoptive parents try to establish a normal adoptive family, not co-parenting?

There is also a problem for the child. What is the message he gets? The good one that says 'we are a team' and your adoptive parents are in charge, or one that says 'who knows who is in charge, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it'.

Certainly there is no harm in hearing the birth mother saying 'I don't like Clarence', and accomodating her. Shouldn't the adoptive parents do the first name? John

Hi, John!

I think that open adoptions, like any other relationship, need to develop in their own way. I know some adoptive parents who describe their situations as fabulous; I know others whose open adoptions have all sorts of issues. Each open adoption is as unique as the people involved.

Because of this, I think that people can read different messages into what the other party does. One expectant mother might see an offer to provide input into the name as a gesture of goodwill; another might see this as an offer to co-parent. So much of how we communicate with one another is not through the words we use but our body language. I think the underlying message is communicated in many ways. I can invite an expectant mother to participate in naming the child without sending the message that we are co-parenting.

When it comes to choosing a name, I do not believe there is a right or wrong answer. It is completely okay for the birthmother to put one name on the birth certificate and the adoptive parents to choose a different name. (I would guess that most adoptions work this way.) However, as someone with a child who has the same name on both, I find it very special that my son does not have "two names." That being said, that was all his birthmother's doing and not anything that I did. :0)

I don't believe that a child will be affected by who chose the name, whether is was the birthmother or adoptive parents. Naming the child happens in the very beginning and does not affect the way the adoptive parents raise the child.

As for whether the adoptive parents "should" choose the first name -- I believe this is up to the adoptive parents. If they feel strongly about choosing the name, then they should do it. If they really like a bunch of names and truly are indifferent to which one they use, then I see no harm in inviting the expectant mother's input. The only time I can see harm coming from the expectant mother choosing the name is if the adoptive parents truly do not like it to the point that it affects their ability to embrace the child as their child.

My bottom line in this post was to throw the option out there. I truly never considered getting my son's birthmother's input into naming him, but it meant a lot to me that she liked the name we had chosen. I see no "right" or "wrong" way to name your child, and I am definitely not telling anyone that they must invite the expectant mother's input into the naming process. I am simply raising the possibility. :0)

Thanks for the comment!

- Faith

Thanks Faith, communications can be tricky. If everyone clearly understands what is being done and why, there is no problem.

My four all came home as older kids, and of course, there was no change of first or middle names. There can't be any confusion, the birth parents did the naming because they were the parents for a long time. I don't feel any less close to my kids, I happen to like their names. I did pass on one boy (internet listing), his first name simply wasn't something I was OK with. John

It's funny that you should mention older child adoption in relation to names. In the course of researching this series, I learned that some people do change the names of older adopted children. That is the topic of my next post (which will publish tomorrow morning).

I respect your choice not to adopt a child based upon your discomfort with his name. It is so important that we, as adoptive parents, are able to embrace our children as "ours." If ANYTHING stands in the way, whether it be a name or something else, it is wise to pass on the match.

Take care,

- Faith