When we were going through our home study, our social worker suggested that we read several books about adoption. I disagreed with many of the suggestions provided in one of the books, but the issue of names was the topic that really got my blood boiling. According to the author, an adopted child should never be given a family name, such as John Smith, Jr., or the name of a beloved relative. The author’s reasoning was that the couple could wind up conceiving in the future and would want to use the family name for the biological child.

I vehemently disagree with this line of reasoning. I did not adopt my son as a fertility object to make me produce a “real” child later, and my son is not a substitute child who is holding the place for a biological offspring. He is my child, and he has every right to carry a family name.

I, personally, am not a big fan of having two people in the same household with the same name because I lived that experience as a kid, and it is a pain to always ask, “Do you want Big ___ or Little ___?” each time somebody telephones. However, if this is what I wanted to do, I would not reject that name for a child just because he joined our family through adoption.

It was because of reading this book that my son’s middle name is a family name – it is his grandmother’s maiden name. I have no regrets. Even if we were to conceive a biological child, I would not wish that I had “saved” that name for him.

A biological child already has genetics tying him to our family. If I had to choose which of the two children “deserved” the family name, it would be the one who might develop insecurities about not being a “true” member of our family. By giving him the gift of a family name, we made a statement that he is truly a member of our family – not just our nuclear family, but our extended family as well. He is part of our family’s lineage, no matter how he joined our family.

I shudder to think of the message that it sends an adoptee when his sibling, who is biologically related to his parents, carries the family name that has been passed down through the generations while the adoptee carries a name that has no relationship to the family at all. It is doubly disturbing to me if the adopted child joined the family first and was denied this name simply because he was not biologically related to his parents. This is not the message that I want to send my child, and I am, frankly, appalled that any book about adoption would make this suggestion.

Related Topics:

• What's in a Name


• How to name your child



• Naming Your Child Series