In response to my blog yesterday about reasons that adoptive parents resist adoption, a reader posted the following comment:

The fear of being pushed into the role of a co-parent, or of a babysitter is not about insecurity. Having the birthparents hovering about is very similar to the predicament that step-parents face. A non custodial parent that knows their position is, or ought to be superior to yours. Most step-parents I know are not insecure, but they usually do feel marginalized to some degree.

Can you include specific ideas to handle the situation where the adoptive parent is feeling pushed aside, or marginalized? We can all respond with an undiplomatic blast, but that would be a disaster. What are the diplomatic ways to say 'I really am in charge here and it has to be that way'? Knowing what to do for an important 'what if' goes a long way to getting past a concern. - John

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In my post, I said that insecurity can be an underlying reason for an adoptive parent to fear having the birthmother continue to be involved in the child’s life through an open or semi-open adoption. John makes a valid point that insecurity is not the only possible reason for this fear. I had never thought of the comparison with a step-parent, but I can definitely see some similarities.

I think communication up front is the key to making any relationship successful. Most adoptive parents and birthparents entering into an open adoption are new to the arrangement, and there is not a lot of guidance in society about how these situations are supposed to work. So, before entering into an open or semi-open adoption, it is very important to set realistic expectations of what each person’s role will be in the child’s life. Discussing each party’s role candidly BEFORE entering into the adoption can go a long way toward getting the arrangement off to a smooth start and keeping it there.

As difficult and uncomfortable as it might be, all parties need to make a commitment to be honest with one another. Each person should be tactful and respectful, but clear boundaries need to be set. If a boundary is crossed, it needs to be addressed right away. It is much easier to say, “We agreed that we would… or would not…” the first time a “breach” happens then to let it slide, build up resentment, and then try to rein things in later. One person’s failure to speak up when a boundary is crossed can be viewed by the other person as passive permission.

What are the diplomatic ways to say 'I really am in charge here and it has to be that way'?

Before entering into an open adoption arrangement, the adoptive parents need to address the issue of what happens when the birthmother disagrees with a parenting decision. The adoptive parents need to make it clear that they are the parents and that the birthmother has the right to disagree with a decision, but she must still respect it. If a birthmother cannot or will not agree to this, then perhaps this is not the best match. The birthmother has the right to choose another family who will invite her to be more involved in the parenting of the child. If she chooses to stay matched with this family, then she chooses to agree to these terms. Then, if a disagreement arises in the future, the adoptive family can gently remind her that there are going to be times when they will disagree, and that’s okay, but she needs to respect the adoptive parents’ authority to make the parenting decisions for the child.

Ironing out these issues BEFORE the adoption is so important. During this time, both parties can talk about their expectations and explore whether this is a good match. If a birthmother wants more authority or an adoptive family wants the birthmother to be less involved, neither is “right” or “wrong” – it’s just a bad match. If everyone is candid about their expectations up front, then either party has the option of committing or making a different match.