Unfortunately, any discussion about open adoption needs to include a conversation about fulfilling your promises to the members of the adoption triad. I say “unfortunately” because, in a perfect world, people would not need to be told that it is wrong to make promises and then refuse to follow through after the adoption is finalized. Doing this is fraudulent, and yet there are adoptive parents out there who do this.

I have heard stories about adoptive parents failing to send pictures and letters after the adoption was finalized, even though they promised to send them on a regular basis throughout the adoptee’s childhood. I have heard stories about adoptive parents who will live up to the “letter of the law” but not the “spirit” by sending pictures as promised, but those pictures are taken from 10 feet away and are too blurry to even tell who or what is in the picture. This is morally wrong, and it is so unbelievably disrespectful to the woman who enabled these people to become parents.

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In addition to being morally wrong, defrauding a birthmother is a dangerous game to play with your child. Your child is connected with his birthmother because she gave birth to him. Your child might choose to search for her one day. How is your child going to react when he learns how disrespectfully you treated the woman who gave him life and chose you to parent him?

My son’s birthmother requested pictures and letters twice a year throughout his childhood. I have and will continue to fulfill my promise to do this. A couple of years ago, she moved and left no forwarding address with the agency. I still put the packages together, even though those packages are being stored in my house until the day that she chooses to contact the agency again. The packages will be available if and when she decides she is ready for them, and if that day never comes, then I will give those packages to my son.

People have asked me why I continue to put the packages together. I have two answers for this:

1. This woman enabled me to be a mother. The least I can do is fulfill my end of the agreement. Whether or not she chooses to receive the packages has no bearing on my obligation to put them together for her.


2. I want my son to know that I fulfilled every promise that I made to his birthmother. This shows him that I respect her as well as him. I would never defraud another person, much less someone with whom he is connected.

If you are struggling with the decision about the level of openness to which you are willing to commit, think long and hard about what you are willing to do. Make sure that you can and will fulfill whatever you promise you make the birthmother.