Over the last three blogs, I have tried to give an honest assessment of the pros and cons of closed, semi-open, and fully open adoptions based upon the numerous stories I have heard from all members of the adoption triad. I have heard stories about very successful fully open adoptions in which the birthmother and adoptive mother have become the best of friends. I have heard disturbing fully open adoption stories in which boundaries were not respected by one or both parties. I have heard stories of adoptions being moved into more openness and stories of open adoptions being closed. In all of these stories, the motivation of the adoptive parents and the birthparents is the best interest of the child. Unfortunately, not everyone agrees upon what is actually in the best interest of the child.

In my opinion, one thing that is always in the best interest of the child is being respectful to the “other parents.” (One exception is when a child has been removed from an abusive household. I do not believe it is helpful for a child to be told that an abuser is a good person just because he or she is the child’s birthparent.) The child is connected to the birthparents through birth and to the adoptive parents through being raised by them. The child should never be put into a situation in which he is forced to choose between the two. I also do not believe that there needs to be tug-of-war between the two sets of parents. Adoptive parents and birthparents both love the child. They should all love the child enough to be kind to one another.

As for choosing which type of adoption is right for you – educate yourself about the different types of adoption, and choose what is best for your family. I put together these “pros and cons” lists to help you to educate yourself about the types of issues that can arise. Adoptive parents need to match with birthparents who are on the same page.

The beauty of openness is that you can tailor your adoption to your situation. No adoption is going to be perfect, and all adoption comes with a certain level of grief. (I will discuss this topic in the next blog.) However, that grief can be minimized by choosing the level of openness that is right for your family.