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Earlier this month I discussed the three main things you can/should learn and question in the aftermath of a failed match. Now I want to bring up some smaller issues that you might consider or you might be forced to consider if a pre-placement match with an expectant mother considering relinquishment falls through the cracks.
1. Are your expectations reasonable?
Which expectations am I referring to? Well, all of them, of course! Do you want too much contact? Too little? Are you expecting this mother to become your best friend? Are you expecting her to have more time than she has? Are you trying to rush along the process, rush along a pregnancy? I encourage you to sit down and journal about what your expectations are in this process. Apart from the grief journaling that will help you process the loss of that potential child, this will also allow you to begin planning for the future. Write out your expectations and share them with your counselor or contact at your agency. Ask them to help you understand what is and is not reasonable about your needs and wants at this time.
2. Are you trying for a closed adoption but still using the match process?
First and foremost, it is your right to choose a closed adoption if that is what you think you can handle. However, you need to understand something. If you are seeking a closed adoption in this era, I encourage you to consider how that limits your playing field. You may have already chosen to step out of your comfort zone a little bit if you are actively involved in matching (but without the give and take of identifying information) but you have to realize that the information about the benefits of open adoption is becoming widely available to mothers considering relinquishment. There are blogs upon blogs of birth mothers who have endured closed adoptions, semi-open adoptions and open adoptions that were closed who are telling their stories. There are birth mothers in fully open adoptions who, while discussing the difficulties that are brought about by the relationship, are talking about the benefits that they get to see, live and participate in with their placed child. Ethical adoption agencies should be advising expectant mothers of their right to an open adoption. Even if they aren’t, if a mother has access to the internet, she can find out about those rights and the possibilities that openness brings to the table. If you’re not willing to participate in any open adoption activities, perhaps you would do better without the matching process at all.
3. Are you appearing too desperate?
Perhaps you’ve endured years of fertility treatments. Perhaps you have suffered multiple miscarriages. Perhaps you never went down that road and have simply been waiting to adopt for quite some time. Perhaps you waited for the right person to come along before you married (good for you!) and you’re just now beginning to plan a family and you honestly and desperately want a child to call your own. You might think, I deserve this more than the next family. Or, worse, more than the mother who is currently expecting the child and considering placement. Those thoughts and feelings will come out in your words, your actions and your body language. Just because a mother is considering placement doesn’t mean she isn’t attuned to such mannerisms. If you come off as too desperate for a child, she may feel uncomfortable with you as a choice to parent her child. Be honest about the reasons you are adopting and your soul’s desire for a child but don’t shove those reasons down her throat either.
4. Are you being judgmental?
Like I mentioned in the previous point, some waiting families feel that they deserve a child more than someone who is young and pregnant because they’ve been through so much more on their life journey. Have you said judgmental things about the way in which she became pregnant? To her or behind her back? (Beware saying such things to agency members. They can turn around and repeat things faster than you would believe.) Have you looked down your nose? Have you pointed out to her that she has nothing to offer? Have you compared your “haves” to her “have nots” aloud? Have you told her that she has no other option but to place? That’s one way to cause someone to run out the door.
5. Are you not portraying yourselves honestly?
I know that agencies think they know what they’re talking about but, really, they don’t. As an example, our agency told my daughter’s parents not to show pictures of the children already in their family because “birth mothers don’t want that.” (First of all, I wasn’t a birth mother yet. I was an expectant mother considering placement.) More over, I wanted children to be already in the family and was actively seeking families of that nature! As such, if your agency tells you to omit something or lie about something else, ignore them. Be yourselves. Be genuine. Even admit if you’re nervous. She’s nervous, too! Trust me!
6. Are your nerves getting the best of you?
I know. I just told you to admit that you’re nervous. However, there’s a line where nerves take over too much and you aren’t able to function properly. Don’t allow yourself to get to that point. Yes, there are a lot of unknowns. Yes, she may choose to parent. Yes, that will be emotionally devastating for you. However, if you allow your nerves to make you keep your guard up, never letting her really get to know you, she’s going to think (unless you’ve been honest about those nerves) that you’re not really interested in her. If you find that your worries and anxieties are getting in the way of this potential relationship, please seek out a qualified therapist to help you get through this tough time.
7. Are you and your partner communicating about all of this?
You may feel one way about the failed match while your partner may feel another. One may want to take some time while the other wants to jump right back into the process. Please take time to discuss how the other is feeling, what you both feel went “wrong” (if it exists) and where you want to go from this point. Without this discussion, you might not be on the same page. That may then come back to bite you both in your next match as an expectant mother may be able to sense that you are not communicating or that there is hesitation on one parent’s part. Be honest. Take some time together. Communicate!
There are lots of things not mentioned here that you can learn in the wake of a failed match. What have you learned during that time of reflection and questioning?
My husband and I were recently matched. We are very excited about the upcoming adoption but have some reservations and are unsure of how to handle them.
First the birthmother has a child already. We are unsure about how of if we should share this information with our new baby. Any ideas??
Second, since we have been waiting for more than 2 years we have discussed what we want to name our baby, now she has requested to name the baby. We really want to use our name but we are unsure if we are being selfish. Should we use our name or hers? Any ideas???
You should absolutely share that information with your child. It’s her birth right. Why would you hide such information from your child? What purpose would it serve? If it would be the illusion of protecting your child, I would ask what purpose it would serve to lie to your child. Would it hurt more for you to be honest or for them to lose trust in you due to your misguided lies?
If you can’t even agree on a name, I would reconsider this match. A name is important, that is true. However, an inability to either be flexible or find agreement on something of this nature raises huge red flags about how you will be able to handle really difficult communication problems in the future.
Perhaps my questions came across wrong. I wasn’t asking if we should tell our child about her siblings but how. When I reread my comment, I realized how it came across.
And about the name I was just looking for some guidance or support because this is our first child and we have just received all of this news. We have not made any decisions about what we are going to do we are just processing it all.