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In Jenna’s gem of a post entitled Faith and Adoption: Why Do Christian Girls End Up Pregnant?, she explores her conflicting feelings that arose out of being a birthmother. On the one hand, she is sometimes embarrassed about having been “pregnant out of wedlock.” On the other hand, if she had not gone through this experience, her “munchkin” [birthchild] would not exist, and she clearly loves her “munchkin” deeply.
Jenna’s post got me thinking about my own experiences as an infertile woman and adoptive mother. When I was going through the infertility and adoption processes, experiencing deep emotional pain month after month for 4-1/2 years, I defined the experience as “bad.” I yearned to be a mother, but motherhood eluded me for a very long time. That was a very dark period of my life, which is one reason I feel so passionate about encouraging women who are in that dark place today.
However, now I see that experience as something I had to go through in order to bring my son into my life. If I had become pregnant, I would not be this kid’s mother – another woman would have that honor. That thought is absolutely mind-boggling to me.
If my son had been born sooner, many of the good things in my life would be different. For example, I met many of my closest friends because we have children who are the same age. That thought is mind-boggling, too.
My experiences have not changed, but my feelings about those experiences have. I spent some time pondering why I feel differently, and I realized the following truth: It is not our experiences themselves, but our reactions to those experiences, that define who we are. Wow, that is deep, and it is an epiphany that I hope to carry with me into the next challenge that life throws my way.
How does this concept apply to a hopeful adoptive parent? If you can truly embrace this truth, then you can take back your power during this waiting period. Your view of the quality of your life does not have to shift with your circumstances. You can choose to be miserable until your child enters your life, or you can choose to see this time as something you must experience that is leading you to your child. Can you see the difference?
I chose to be miserable during my quest for motherhood, and that was no fun – neither for me nor the people in my life. You can learn from my mistakes and not “waste” this time being miserable 24/7.
I am not discounting the importance of expressing your emotions as you have them. You need to grieve, express your anger, and work through every other emotion that arises as you wait for your child. The difference is that these emotions do not have to define you. You have the power to interpret your experiences and to define who you are. For a control freak like me, that’s an empowering realization.
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“I chose to be miserable during my quest for motherhood, and that was no fun – neither for me nor the people in my life. You can learn from my mistakes and not “waste” this time being miserable 24/7.”
I had that ephiphany. And it felt good. Being upset and miserable all that time was not going to make me any more a mother than convincing a brick wall to collapse. If I just changed my attitude, then this journey would be a lot more tolerable. My friends and family have been amazed at the change.
Great blog…:)
Yes, it really does make a difference. Sometimes we cannot change our circumstances, but we can change how we react to our circumstances. I am impressed that you worked through this during your waiting period. It took me a lot longer to get there.
Take care,
- Faith
Faith, I loved this post because I have been there too.
When I was in the early, uncertain stages of adoption with our first daughter. I had to make the decision to just enjoy her presence and love her 100%, or worry about what might happen if the b-dad came forward opposed to the placement. Most other times in my life, if I have not had full (seeming) control, I just focus on the what if-s and did not enjoy the what are-s of the situation. I have never been so glad that somehow I was able to grasp this and just let go and enjoy her. I would have wasted the first year of her life with us worrying if I had not!
I can really see how this could be taken to heart by birthparents as well. There are many things that can no longer be changed after adoption, but instead of placing all the focus on them, how about building what can be and finding the positives where you can?
“Most other times in my life, if I have not had full (seeming) control, I just focus on the what if-s and did not enjoy the what are-s of the situation.”
I LOVE this! I need to print this off and post it on my refrigerator! You are so right — focusing on the “what if’s” does distract us from the “what are’s,” which can cause us to miss out on some amazing blessings.
I was able to do this during my son’s first week of life, knowing that his then-placing mother could choose to parent. I decided that I was not going to deprive myself of this wonderful time in my life. If the adoption failed, then I would mend my broken heart later. In the meantime, I was going to enjoy being a mom for as long as I could.
Take care,
- Faith