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On my online adoption group, we sometimes get messages like this one (which is completely made up):
28 y/o CC expectant mother looking for open adoption with a married couple. No drinking/drugs. Birth father unknown, could be AA or CC. Gender unknown. Due September 26.
One woman, who is new to the group and to domestic adoption, asked about the validity of such messages. She also asked why there were so many of these situations, which she dubbed “Parents Wanted”. These are two very good questions.
First, the validity of the posts. There are adoption facilitators and referral services that seek parents for hard-to-place situations. Some of them are legitimate. Many are not. And ethical? Well, that’s a tough one. If you see a message that interests you, dig – dig for information about the service, the individuals associated with it, and the agencies behind it. Ask a lot of questions. Find other people who have used the service – real people, not people the service lists as references. (Would a service want you talk to someone who didn’t like them? I think not.)
If you determine that the situation and service are for real and above board, then find out if using one is legal in your state. Rules vary greatly from state to state.
Second, why do these types of situations exist? With all the waiting families in the US, how can there be a plethora of babies available so quickly? Often, the reason is cost. For whatever reason, the costs associated with these adoptions are higher than average. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a “parents wanted” message where the cost was less than $20K (not including travel). Sometimes, the expectant mom is looking for a very particular set of adoptive parents. I often see requests for couples in which one member is African American, or for families who already have biracial children. If the expectant mother has been involved with drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, or if the expected child has known special needs, then parents are harder to find.
Some women don’t make their decisions until very late in the pregnancy – for example, during labor. At that point, agencies and social workers feel that they need to scramble to find a paper-ready family. The emphasis is on finding a home for the baby as soon as possible, so parents who are already with an agency but haven’t dotted all the “i’s” may not be viable options in the eyes of some. Occasionally, a match will fall through at the last minute. Perhaps the prospective adoptive family feels they’re no longer able to adopt the baby, or the expectant mom decides that they’re really not what she’s looking for in parents.
It’s important to do your homework with these “parents wanted” situations. It’s way too easy for unscrupulous individuals and services to prey on desperate adoptive parents, or promise large sums to women for placing their children (that would be coercion, and that’s bad). That said, some people do find their children this way. Finding a legal, ethical, responsible service can be a way to adopt quickly, though probably not cheaply.
This is a really great, informative blog–it actually answered quite a few of *my* questions as far as domestic adoption is concerned. Thanks!