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On my post, Adopted Children Come with No Warranty, a reader wrote the following comment:
I often wonder if parents ever consider that they may not be the quality of parents that the child would choose for him/herself if the child had the opportunity to choose. Too often, I see parents choosing a child because they are cute and as young as possible and parents who want a child who will be highly intelligent with no medical, developmental, or behavioral needs. However, what parent can say that he/she meets the same standards of “perfection” they want in the child they adopt? – Erin from Adopted Children Come with No Warranty
Erin raises some interesting points, including others that I did not copy over because I want to limit my focus to this excerpt.
I have had insecurities about being a “good enough” parent. Those insecurities arise from my background of abuse. Unlike many good parents that I know, I cannot lean back on how my parents would have handled a given situation. Instead, I read through numerous parenting books for tips. I do not have grandparents to offer my child: One is deceased and the other estranged. (My son does have grandparents in his life from his father’s side of the family.) I have baggage that I continue to work through because of my traumatic childhood. I shield my son from as much of that as possible, but I will always have residue from my past that can affect my present.
Despite all of this, people frequently tell me that I am a great mom. And the person whose opinion matters the most – my son – says that I am a great mom, too. Looking at a profile of my life cannot possibly capture the level of love and commitment that I have toward my son. There is no way to capture these intangibles on paper.
I laughed when I had to screen the health histories of birthparents because I do not think many people would choose to adopt a birthchild of mine. A biological child from hub and me would have an extended family history of mental illness, stroke, heart failure, cancer, and abuse. So, I really did not feel like I was in a position to throw stones.
All that being said, there is a place for reviewing the health history of a prospective child, not to adopt a child as “perfect” as we are but to make sure that it would be a good match. If I do not have the patience or stamina to parent a child with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), then no one is well-served by my adopting a child with RAD. Part of determining whether I will be a “good enough” parent for a child is having an idea about what will be required of me. Parenting any child is hard work, but parenting a child with special needs is much harder.
Unless you have parented a child with special needs or have been close to someone who has, you cannot possibly understand the depths of the challenges involved. I have been struggling with my son’s escalating behaviors from his Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and some people in my life continue to minimize the difficulties by saying things like, “He is just an active kid,” or “He is a sweet child.” Yes, he is active and sweet, but living with him is hard. I am the one living with a child who is often uncontrollable, so I am in a better position to judge whether his behavior is a problem than these well-meaning people.
Whenever possible, parents need to know the challenges that they are taking on when they adopt a child. It is not about finding the “perfect child;” it is about making sure the adoption is a good match.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
