Two of my sons were told repeatedly by their birthmothers "you are the source of all my problems", and, "I wish I' never had you". It does great harm to the child's image of himself, and any ability to believe in himself.

It takes the adoptive parent a long time to penetrate with a different message that begins to stick. It is very frustrating, and I was evil enough to say to one of the boys, "Sorry about that, your mom was full of crap". From a father to a son, that flies, even though it is very non-social workie.

John,

My heart breaks for your sons. I know many adult survivors of childhood abuse, and they share similar stories. You are right -- being given the message that you are unwanted as a child wreaks havoc on a child's self-esteem. I know many people who were not fortunate enough to have someone like you in their lives to believe in them while they were children. They now struggle in adulthood to learn how to love themselves, even though they are FABULOUS people who are definitely worthy of love.

This is why I feel so strongly about the label "unwanted child." It sounds like there is something wrong with the child when really there was something wrong with the parent.

You are right -- it takes a long time to penetrate the child's heart with different messages. The people I know did not have a loving adoptive parent sending different messages like your sons have. Instead, it is their spouses and friends in adulthood who try so hard to break through their internal walls. I hope that with your love, your sons will be spared some of the heartache in adulthood that these friends of mine have experienced.

I don't think what you said was "evil" at all. (I am sure you meant that as tongue-in-cheek.) I think he needed to hear that his mother was wrong to say those things to him.

Have you seen the Lifetime movie, "For the Love of a Child"? It is such a fabulous movie. It tells the history of the largest private center for protecting children in the U.S., and it follows the stories of several children who are removed from abusive homes. While they touch upon the abuse, the focus is on the aftermath and the hard work needed to help the children to heal. There is a touching scene where the social worker has a similar conversation with a girl about things that her mother had said to her. The girl says that her mother told her X, Y, Z. The social worker says, "My mother told me something to. She always said, 'Consider the source.'" :0)

I applaud you for providing your children with such a loving home. They are blessed to have you in their lives, and I am sure you would tell me that you are blessed to have them.

Take care,

- Faith

I can't imagine how someone would begin to process that starting in adulthood.

Thanks for the stear on the movie, let me suggest one (you have probably already seen it), "Second Best", staring William Hurt. The child actor is outstanding, he effects RAD, and the confusiton kids get when birthparents send repeated damaging messages. One of my adoptions was very similar to this story.

Faith, thank you for covering this subject

Thanks for the movie referral. I have not seen it. I will definitely check it out.

As for processing abuse in adulthood -- For many people, it begins by having flashbacks. For some, this might happen when they go away to college or get out on their own and away from their abusers. For others, this might happen when they have children. They see how vulnerable their children are, and it flashes them back to how deeply they were damaged during their own vulnerability. I will be touching on this subject in a future blog in a couple of weeks. I suggest that while you are waiting to be matched, deal with any unresolved issues such as childhood trauma.

Adult survivors of childhood abuse generally react in one of two extremes -- either they become "perfect" or "perfectly bad." Some struggle with eating disorders, self-injury, and addictions. Others become the superstars in their careers while remaining unable to emotionally connect with anyone, believing that they must "earn" love and respect from others. In either case, there is a strong drive of self-loathing that fuels whichever direction they choose.

Healing from a traumatic childhood is hard for anyone. Having someone in your corner, like your children have with you, can go a long way toward helping an abuse survivor to overcome the self-loathing and learn to trust. As I am sure you already know, even that is not enough for some people.

Tak care,

- Faith