e-mail
“Was Adopted” versus “Is Adopted”
This distinction is one of my soapbox issues. Most people do not understand why it would possibly matter if they said that my son “is” adopted versus “was” adopted, but it makes a HUGE difference to me.
My son WAS adopted. This is how he joined our family. Some children were birthed into a family. Some arrived through C-section. My child joined our family through adoption. If my friend’s child is not known as her C-section kid, then I don’t understand why my child should be known as my adopted kid.
Adoption is an event that happens in a person’s life. Adoption is not a state of being, and it is not a label that defines who a person is. In the grand scheme of my son’s life, the fact that he joined our family through adoption is but a footnote in his life’s story. Yes, it was an important life event. Yes, there are issues that arise that are unique to children who join a family through adoption. But adoption is not a big looming cloud that overshadows who my son is. If I were to describe who my son is, I would say that he is outgoing, the class clown, a fabulous bike rider, silly, hyperactive, and friendly. The fact that he was adopted would not even make the list because it is not a characteristic that defines who he is.
++++++++
I hope you have enjoyed my elaboration on the Positive Adoption Language article. Before we conclude this discussion, I have one term to add to the list:
“Placing Mother” versus “Birthmother”
A birthmother is a woman whose parental rights have been legally terminated. As long as a woman’s parental rights have not yet been legally terminated, she should be referred to as a “placing mother.”
This terminology was not in use when I was going through the adoption process six years ago. Our agency referred to all pregnant women who were considering making an adoption plan as “birthmothers.” We even wrote a “Dear Birthmother” letter to the placing mothers.
When we went through a second home study in 2004, the terminology had changed to “expectant mother,” which distinguished between the women who were birthmothers and those who still retained their parental rights. However, the term “expectant mother” sounds more like someone who is “expecting” to give birth and parent a baby.
The term “placing mother” is the term that is most commonly used today to describe a woman who is considering placing her baby for adoption or who has already placed the baby but who still retains her parental rights. In my situation, my son’s birthmother would have been a “placing mother” for the 10 days in which I was caring for the baby but his placing mother had the legal right to parent him if she chose to do so.
Using the term “placing mother” is respectful of the women who are considering placing their children for adoption but who have not yet done so. These women still have the legal right to choose to parent, and this legal right should be respected in the way that we refer to these women.
+++++++++++
What topic would you like to read about next? Please leave me a comment or e-mail me at hopetoadoptblogger@adoptionmail.com to make a suggestion.
I am astonished. So all the moms I know that have never been involved in adoption are NOT birthmothers? MSW is not a guarantee of no goofy thinking.
If the mother gave birth to that child, that is his birthmother period. No social worker can or should take that away. Your blogs on terminology are very helpful. Whoever came up with this definition needs to be kept away from important decision making.
I don’t like placing mother. It’s still coercive in its function: it’s removing the fact that prior to the termination of parental rights, the child’s biological mother is the only mother and therefore needs absolutely no determiner. If you want to say expectant mother considering placement, fine. If you want to say new mother considering placement for a mother who is in the hospital and has not yet made a decision or signed a peper, fine. Placing mother, again, removes the ability for that mother to feel like and act like a sole mother if only for three days of a child’s life.
“Expectant mother” or “mother” makes the most sense to me – a woman is still a mother whether she chooses adoption for her child or not.
I agree with Jenna on the pitfalls of using placing mother – it is better than calling her a birth mother, but still, what if she changes her mind. What does that make her? A placing mother who did not place?
“Whoever came up with this definition needs to be kept away from important decision making.” – I agree with John – many of these PAL terms do not work for me.
In adoption.com’s earlier days, there was a woman who used to post as “wouldhavebeen birthmother.” She had planned to place her baby for adoption during the pregnancy but then chose to parent after her baby was born. So, I guess that would be one “answer” to your question. I seems like the only appropriate term for a “wouldhavebeen birthmother” is “mother.” Don’t you think? Regardless of what options you considered during your pregnancy, if you chose to parent, then you are a mother.
I see your point about “placing mother.” I honestly don’t know what the appropriate term should be. Apparently, “they” [the folks who come up with these lists] don’t know, either, because the terminology keeps changing. We really do need some sort of respectful term to use for what was called the “Dear Birthmother” letter when I was adopting. This was a letter to the birthmother/expectant mother/placing mother that told her about us as a couple.
I will need to check out the other lists (the non-PAL ones) to compare and contrast the terminology and put together a future blog on the topic.
Thanks for the comments.
- Faith