Comments on: Positive Adoption Language – Was Adopted, Placing Mother http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p Provides adoption information and guidance for people who are hoping to adopt a child domestically or internationally. Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:14:15 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Faith Allen http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p/comment-page-1#comment-103 Faith Allen Tue, 13 Feb 2007 22:29:18 +0000 http://hoping-to-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/02/13/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p#comment-103 <blockquote> it is better than calling her a birth mother, but still, what if she changes her mind. What does that make her? </blockquote> <br /> <br /> In adoption.com's earlier days, there was a woman who used to post as "wouldhavebeen birthmother." She had planned to place her baby for adoption during the pregnancy but then chose to parent after her baby was born. So, I guess that would be one "answer" to your question. I seems like the only appropriate term for a "wouldhavebeen birthmother" is "mother." Don't you think? Regardless of what options you considered during your pregnancy, if you chose to parent, then you are a mother. <br /> <br /> I see your point about "placing mother." I honestly don't know what the appropriate term should be. Apparently, "they" [the folks who come up with these lists] don't know, either, because the terminology keeps changing. We really do need some sort of respectful term to use for what was called the "Dear Birthmother" letter when I was adopting. This was a letter to the birthmother/expectant mother/placing mother that told her about us as a couple. <br /> <br /> I will need to check out the other lists (the non-PAL ones) to compare and contrast the terminology and put together a future blog on the topic. <br /> <br /> Thanks for the comments.<br /> <br /> - Faith

it is better than calling her a birth mother, but still, what if she changes her mind. What does that make her?

In adoption.com’s earlier days, there was a woman who used to post as “wouldhavebeen birthmother.” She had planned to place her baby for adoption during the pregnancy but then chose to parent after her baby was born. So, I guess that would be one “answer” to your question. I seems like the only appropriate term for a “wouldhavebeen birthmother” is “mother.” Don’t you think? Regardless of what options you considered during your pregnancy, if you chose to parent, then you are a mother.

I see your point about “placing mother.” I honestly don’t know what the appropriate term should be. Apparently, “they” [the folks who come up with these lists] don’t know, either, because the terminology keeps changing. We really do need some sort of respectful term to use for what was called the “Dear Birthmother” letter when I was adopting. This was a letter to the birthmother/expectant mother/placing mother that told her about us as a couple.

I will need to check out the other lists (the non-PAL ones) to compare and contrast the terminology and put together a future blog on the topic.

Thanks for the comments.

- Faith

]]> By: Jan Baker http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p/comment-page-1#comment-102 Jan Baker Tue, 13 Feb 2007 22:14:50 +0000 http://hoping-to-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/02/13/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p#comment-102 "Expectant mother" or "mother" makes the most sense to me - a woman is still a mother whether she chooses adoption for her child or not.<br /> <br /> I agree with Jenna on the pitfalls of using placing mother - it is better than calling her a birth mother, but still, what if she changes her mind. What does that make her? A placing mother who did not place?<br /> <br /> "Whoever came up with this definition needs to be kept away from important decision making." - I agree with John - many of these PAL terms do not work for me. <br /> “Expectant mother” or “mother” makes the most sense to me – a woman is still a mother whether she chooses adoption for her child or not.

I agree with Jenna on the pitfalls of using placing mother – it is better than calling her a birth mother, but still, what if she changes her mind. What does that make her? A placing mother who did not place?

“Whoever came up with this definition needs to be kept away from important decision making.” – I agree with John – many of these PAL terms do not work for me.

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p/comment-page-1#comment-101 Jenna Hatfield Tue, 13 Feb 2007 20:22:46 +0000 http://hoping-to-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/02/13/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p#comment-101 I don't like placing mother. It's still coercive in its function: it's removing the fact that prior to the termination of parental rights, the child's biological mother is the <i>only</i> mother and therefore needs absolutely no determiner. If you want to say expectant mother considering placement, fine. If you want to say new mother considering placement for a mother who is in the hospital and has not yet made a decision or signed a peper, fine. Placing mother, again, removes the ability for that mother to feel like and act like a sole mother if only for three days of a child's life.<br /> <br /> I don’t like placing mother. It’s still coercive in its function: it’s removing the fact that prior to the termination of parental rights, the child’s biological mother is the only mother and therefore needs absolutely no determiner. If you want to say expectant mother considering placement, fine. If you want to say new mother considering placement for a mother who is in the hospital and has not yet made a decision or signed a peper, fine. Placing mother, again, removes the ability for that mother to feel like and act like a sole mother if only for three days of a child’s life.

]]> By: John http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p/comment-page-1#comment-100 John Tue, 13 Feb 2007 19:57:10 +0000 http://hoping-to-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/02/13/positive-adoption-language-was-adopted-p#comment-100 I am astonished. So all the moms I know that have never been involved in adoption are NOT birthmothers? MSW is not a guarantee of no goofy thinking.<br /> <br /> If the mother gave birth to that child, that is his birthmother period. No social worker can or should take that away. Your blogs on terminology are very helpful. Whoever came up with this definition needs to be kept away from important decision making. I am astonished. So all the moms I know that have never been involved in adoption are NOT birthmothers? MSW is not a guarantee of no goofy thinking.

If the mother gave birth to that child, that is his birthmother period. No social worker can or should take that away. Your blogs on terminology are very helpful. Whoever came up with this definition needs to be kept away from important decision making.

]]>