During my series on Deciding to Adopt a Child, a reader left the following comment regarding adoptees searching for their birthfamily:

I'd support my child whole heartedly, but I'd want to protect them too. Especially if they came from another culture and country and have to return with this loss of language and behaving like a person that was raised there. I'd want to find a way to prepare them for that. In the case of foster care or addiction, depending, I'd want to fight these folks to keep them from hurting my child even more and in the case of an open adoption, it's hard to know how you;ll feel. Especially if you are the one doing the parenting, sharing something special that really can't be broken despite what happens in the future... – Chromesthesia from Deciding to Adopt a Child: Birthparent Searches

SPONSOR

What I see permeating this comment is fear of the unknown and a deep desire to protect a child from what the unknown might hold. This is a very human and normal reaction to the thought of an adoptee searching for his birth family, so I am glad we are talking about this, particularly for those of you who have your home study ahead of you.

The first thing to remember is you are talking about an adult man or woman making the choice to search for his birth family. It is easy to forget this point as you think about adopting an infant or young child. Once a person reaches adulthood, he has the right to make an informed decision for himself, just as you and I do with important issues in our lives. Remembering that you are talking about an adult choosing to search can make this discussion much easier during your home study.

International Adoption

For a child adopted internationally, you will likely have already discussed the child's culture. It is normal for a child to be curious about his roots, so he will likely already know about the culture before he chooses to search. My biggest concern for an international adoption would be the feasibility of even finding the birth family, but that is a separate issue.

Foster Adoption

For a child adopted from foster care, you raise a valid point about concerns with addiction or whatever else led to the termination of parental rights in the first place. That being said, some people do change over time, so just because the birthmother was addicted to crack when the child was removed does not necessarily mean that she will be in the same place today. If you are honest with your child about the reasons he was removed from his birth family, then he will be in a better place as an adult to decide for himself whether he wants to reconnect with them. Some children adopted from foster care will not want to search, particularly those who suffered abuse at the hands of their birth parents.

Open Adoption

For a child raised in an open adoption, searching is not an issue if the birth family is still in the child's life. In a semi-open adoption or an open adoption in which the parties discontinue contact, you have at least some idea about what to expect because you have already met the birthmother. Your child's choice to search for his birth family does not negate all that he shares with you as his adoptive parent.

Try to remember that the adult adoptee is the one who will be making the choice about whether to search. You, as the parent, are there to love and support him. He will need you there to celebrate a joyful reunion or comfort him through a painful one. Either way, he will need you in his life as he takes this very daunting step.

Do not put your child in a position of having to choose between you and his need to search. His need to search is a separate issue from your love. I have seen adoptive relationships strained by adoptive parents who fought the adoptee's need to search. While all parents want to protect their children, by the time these children are adults, we have to give the reins over to our adult children and hope for the best.

This comment had a second paragraph, which I will discuss in my next post.

Related Topics:

• Search & Reunion posts on Adoptee blog



• Adoption Search blog

++++++++++++

For information/instructions on how to subscribe FREE to your favorite AdoptionBlogs, please visit this link.