Faith, this is a really good series. I do think a fair number of adoptive families have the two worries you have talked about so far.

The fear of being pushed into the role of a co-parent, or of a babysitter is not about insecurity. Having the birthparents hovering about is very similar to the perdicament that step-parents face. A non custodial parent that knows their position is, or ought to be superior to yours. Most step-parents I know are not insecure, but they usually do feel marginalized to some degree.

Can you include specific ideas to handle the situation where the adoptive parent is feeling pushed aside, or marginalized? We can all reapond with an undiplomatic blast, but that would be a disaster. What are the diplomatic ways to say 'I really am in charge here and it has to be that way'? Knowing what to do for an important 'what if' goes a long way to getting past a concern.

John,

Thanks for your comments. You make some really good points. I will put together a blog for tomorrow addressing your comments and questions.

- Faith

I've been in an open adoption situation for 16 years. When my bdaughter was young I had a lot of contact with her family. There was never any confusion as to who her parents were. She never has looked to me for that role. I'd add up how much actual time the bparents may spend with you and your achild. One year, although I had frequent visits, I calculated that I'd only spent 12 hours with my bchild...
How could her parents possibly feel marginalised???

Banjo makes a very good point about the amount of time spent with the child.

I fear that when many hopeful adoptive couples first learn about open adoption, they get the impression that the birthmother is involved in the family's day-to-day life. This simply is not the case in most open adoptions. Even those with a lot of visitation probably run about the amount of time that Banjo calculated. Among my adoptive mother friends in open adoption with visitation, I would say that 12 hours a year is about right for the most open situations.

Open adoption can work in a number of different ways, and hopeful adoptive parents can be scared off by seeing it as a "one size fits all" kind of arrangement. It's not. There are many options, and not all of them even include visits.

I cannot stress enough that whatever level of openness you choose needs to be the right fit for both the adoptive family and the birthmother. The biggest issues I have seen come from the two having very different expectations. If an adoptive family does not want the level of openness that the birthmother seeks, it is better to decline the match than to set up all parties for a lifetime of struggles. Seeking more or less openness does not make either party "right" or "wrong" -- it's just a bad match.

Take care,

- Faith

As an adoptive parent I can see both sides of the situation. Of course we have fears that the child that comes to us through adoption may have a close relationship with their b.parents when you are first starting out on the journey to adoption. But I feel that once you are involved in an adoption for some time you are able to see and understand how important the bond is b/w you and your child and just b/c they did come to you through birth doesn't make the relationship less powerful.

I like the 12 hour a year scenario, here's why:
So lets say a b.mom sees her child once a month for an hour (to get the 12 hours), but that can create anxiety for the a.parents. However, those same a.parents probably don't think twice about leaving their child in a church nursery (or any other child's program for that matter, an hour of soccer pratice with a couch? swimming lessons once a week) for 1.5 hours a WEEK (78 hours a year), without the fear that the child will bond to the nursery worker and not them as parents. In that situation the a.parents are confident in the role as their child’s parents.

Very good point, Chance.

I think this kind of information is so helpful to hopeful adoptive parents. I have always been most receptive to factual information like this versus people telling me that I will or will not feel a certain way in the future. Nobody can predict how a certain situation will make another person feel. However, when looking at the facts and contrasting the number of hours a week in soccer versus 1 hour a month with a birthparent, it makes the arrangement seem less "scary" or "competitive."

For that matter, my kindergarten son spends 35 hours a week with his teacher. As much as he loves her, I am still the one he turns to for the mom things, such as seeking my arms when he feels sick.

Very good points. Thank you.

- Faith

Uh, hovering? I'm a birth mom in a fully open adoption and I don't think I KNOW how to hover. The Munchkin understands who I am and who to go to when she needs a bandaid or a bedtime story.

Hovering. That's a new insult.

Good attempt at dispelling myths, Faith. Hopefully people will listen.

Thanks for the comment, Jenna. I am sorry that the term "hovering" was insulting to you.

To all birthmothers who are reading this series -- I want to encourage adoptive parents to raise their issues, even when it means using words like "hover" or other words that birthmothers might find insulting. (I am not talking about intentionally inflammatory comments -- that is never okay.) If "hovering" is truly a hopeful adoptive parents' fear, I want to hear about it so that I can talk about that fear and disspell it. While Jenna's response was diplomatic, I want to be sure that hopeful adoptive parents reading this blog feel comfortable enough to share their true feelings, even if those feelings might be hard for a birthmother to read. If hopeful adoptive parents don't talk about them, then we cannot talk them through their fears, insecurities, or whatever else is driving their resistance. Remember that many people reading this blog are new to the adoption process, and the only information they have is what society at large says about adoption. We all know how off-base that can be.

To hopeful adoptive parents -- Feel free to e-mail me at hopetoadoptblogger@adoptionmail.com if you want to submit your questions/concerns anonymously rather than as a comment. I can address any questions you present as being submitted "by a reader" and protect your identity.

To all -- I am glad to see everyone talking about these issues. It is through talking about them that we educate ourselves and disspell areas of concern.

Take care,

- Faith

You are doing a great job with this series Faith.
You are right that people do not often offend intentionally, it's mostly out of lack of info.
Thanks for stepping up to provide some of that information.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Deb!! I really appreciate it.

- Faith