5. I am adopting the child, not the whole birthfamily.

I have news for you – When you adopt a child, the birthfamily becomes a part of your extended family. No, you are not “adopting” them, but they are part of the package. They are important to your child, which makes them important to you. When your child is grown, if he chooses to connect with his birthfamily, then they will be in your life, too. Rather than resist this reality, embrace it. It is okay for your child to have more people in his life who love him.

Just like with your own family, you have a say in much or how little time you spend with this extended family, but you cannot deny that they are related to you. Your child got his beautiful blue eyes from his birthfather and his sense of humor from his birthmother. These people are connected to your child, which makes them connected to you.

Part of this mindset is tied into your own need to grieve the loss of the family you thought that you would have. When most couples decide to become parents, they envision “making” a baby in the privacy of their homes. They dream of a baby with daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose. That dream has died, and you need to grieve the loss of that dream. Adoption cures childless, not infertility. It is very important that adoptive parents grieve the loss of their fertility and not expect adopting a child to “fix” it. See my blog on this topic entitled Surviving the Wait: Grieving Your Losses. Adoption is a wonderful way to grow a family, but it is different than “making” your own biological children. Don’t try to fool yourself into believing that these are the same.

Growing a family through adoption is different than growing a family through birthing a child. Neither is better than the other; they are simply different. One difference is that an adopted child comes with a connection to another family. That connection does not replace the connection with his adoptive family. The child need not choose between the two. Don’t fight the connection; embrace it.