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6. I shouldn’t have to “prove” that I am a good parent to anyone.
When I started the adoption process, I was miffed by having to “prove” my worth as a parent. I knew many people with less education, financial security, etc., who were able to “make” as many babies as they wanted. It felt unfair that they could fill their houses with children without having to answer to anyone. Meanwhile, my husband and I had everything a family could possibly need to start a family, including lots of love to give to a child, and yet we had to “prove” to a social worker that we would be good parents.
I now realize that the home study is a wonderful way to help parents-to-be to proactively work through issues that they will face as parents, such as how to discipline a child or how to answer questions about adoption. But I did not have this mindset going into the home study. It really bothered me that I had to “prove” to these strangers that I would be a good mother.
Now that I am on the other side of the adoption process, I see just how important this screening process is. I know several people who were adopted in the 1960’s into abusive households. From what I understand, home studies were not as thorough as they are today. Thank goodness we now have a screening process in place to weed out those who might harm a child.
A birthmother is entrusting an adoptive family with her CHILD. She needs to know that the child is going to be safe and loved. It isn’t too much to ask for reassurance of this. Each time I send my son’s birthmother pictures of Nicholas, she can see that he is happy. She can see that he is not covered in bruises. She can see the light of happiness in his eyes. Sending her pictures is not “reporting in” to “prove” that I am a good mother – it is offering her peace of mind that her birthchild really is okay. She is living her life with a hole in her heart because she does not have her birthchild in her life. The least I can do is give her peace of mind that her birthchild is happy and safe and loved.
