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8. Open adoption can get complicated.
Yes, sometimes open adoption can get complicated, but being complicated does not mean that it is not worth the effort. Think about other things in your life that are complicated. Mortgages are complicated, but I really enjoy living in my own house. Computers are so complicated that I cannot even tell you what all of the acronyms mean (RAM, ROM, GB, etc.), and yet I am lost if my computer crashes. Marriage can be complicated, but I did not choose to stay single just because of possible complications.
In fact, I would say that the things in my life that have the most meaning are complicated – my marriage, my relationship with my child, my religion, etc. Simple sounds nice, but it can also be boring. Don’t let complexity, in and of itself, keep your from experiencing anything of value in your life. If you do, you will miss out on some of life’s greatest gifts.
Yes, open adoption can get complicated, especially if your open adoption includes visits. I know adoptive families with open adoptions involving two different birthmothers. They say that things can get complicated with traveling during vacations to visit each birthfamily as well as their own extended families. And yet think about the love and joy that the children experience as they visit with their grandparents and their birthfamilies. This means that these children have even more people in their lives who love them.
Have a little more confidence in yourself to be able to handle complications as they arise. Complications are not necessarily “bad” – they just need a little finesse from time to time. Also, don’t be afraid to set boundaries. We will talk about this is in 10. The birthmother might not respect my boundaries. Setting boundaries is an important skill in any relationship. An open adoption is no exception.
Don’t let the possible complexity scare you away from open adoption. The things in life that are most worth having usually come with complexity.
As a “NATURAL MOTHER”, I had agreed to an “Open Adoption for my kids sake. I have 2 daughters (13 and 11)whom are now adopted, and two sons ( not adopted).
My verbal agreement was that I would sign my rights in exchange for all the kids to still have contact with each other growing up. And for them to see each other maybe once a year.
The adoptive parents said “Sure, they need all the love they can get, we would be this big extended family.”
Yeah, til the adoption finalized, and now I am the bad mother, etc.
I am very disturbed. This apparently happens a lot. And I am not saying adoption is bad, but, to make a promise, and have the hopes of the siblings shattered.
That is wrong.
It has only been 4 years. Chris is now 9 and Gabriel is now 4.
And the adoptive parents, lied like there was no tomorrow.
So, I am petitioning Congress to help enforce “Open Adoption” Agreements. It isn’t right to make promises like that for the sake of getting what you want.
Thanks for listening.
http://www.PetitionOnline.com/Cloutier/petition.html
Legal open adoption agreements would be great. If they were available I would be taking 2 of my kids birthparents to court right now for failing their obligations by promising to stay involved and then not doing so.
Cloutiermom — I get angry when I read stories like yours. I am so sorry that the adoptive parents in your adoption situation treated you that way. I do believe that their actions will backfire in the long run. I cannot imagine your birthchildren’s reaction in the future when they find out how their adoptive parents treated you. That’s a risky game for adoptive parents to play, and it is disrespectful, not only to you but to their children as well.
I have written a blog on this topic that will post on Friday. It is called “Keeping Your Promises.” I make my position VERY clear — that hopeful adoptive parents should NEVER promise a birthmother something that they will not deliver. In my opinion, it is fraudulent to promise openness when you do not plan to follow through.
Deb — I am not sure that the legal system is the answer, but I admit that I don’t have a better answer other than for society to not condone birthparents and adoptive parents treating each other this way. You raise an interesting point about some birthparents not following through on their promises to stay involved. I have heard of other situations like this as well.
I see the situation of a birthparent dropping out differently than an adoptive parent refusing to allow the birthparent contact because I don’t see how we can force another person to invest in a relationship with a child. In the case of a birthparent being denied contact, s/he is WANTING to connect with the child. I would not want to “force” someone to spend time with my kid who did not want to do so. I hear your frustration, and I get how painful it must be to see the disappointment on your kids’ faces. However, I just don’t know that legally forcing someone to spend time with a kid who doesn’t want to do it is a good option, either.
Bottom line — It just plain stinks when birthparents match with adoptive parents who are not on the same page. There are birthmothers who would give ANYTHING to be invited to visit with their birthchildren, and then you have an open invitation to two birthparents who refuse it. It’s sad.
Thank you both for your comments.
- Faith
All the reasons that you are citing are typical reasons that some parents cite for not wanting open adoptions. However, I believe that most of these reasons are lame excuses.
Too many people are scared of open adoptions and there is not nearly the amount of support for them that there should be.
Jan,
I agree that too many people are scared of open adoption and that there should be more support. I do, however, disagree that these are “lame excuses.” Many hopeful adoptive parents really do feel this way. They are not just saying these things because they don’t want to be bothered.
I do believe that more hopeful adoptive parents would chose a more open adoption (whether semi- or fully open) if they would set aside their fears long enough to research the pros and cons and open up their minds to other possibilities. I believe they would choose them because they would realize that more openness would be beneficial all around.
I speak from experience here. So many of the fears that I had were not based on the facts. I was not offering “lame excuses” — I was scared and insecure about the unknown. Now that I have researched the issues and have lived an adoptive mother in a semi-open adoption, I realize how baseless my fears were and, definitely in the case of my son’s birthmother, I would be open to a fully open adoption.
I am hoping that this series will encourage more hopeful adoptive parents to research the other options and make the right decision for their family based upon the facts and not fears.
Thanks for your comments.
Take care,
- Faith