10. The birthmother might not respect my boundaries.

Not all open adoptions run smoothly. While I know several adoptive families with very successful open adoptions, I have heard of some situations that did not work out very well. The underlying issue in those situations was a failure to respect boundaries. In some situations, the birthmother overstepped the adoptive parents’ boundaries, such as treating them like the babysitters in front of the child. In other situations, the birthmother committed to doing certain things, such as sending birthday cards, and then did not follow through. These are issues that can be concerning to an adoptive parent entering into an open adoption arrangement.

Before entering into an open or semi-open adoption, it is very important that the adoptive parents and birthparents establish clear boundaries and explain their expectations of how this arrangement is going to work. This will require one, if not several, serious conversations in which each party expresses what she hopes to get out of this arrangement and what she is willing to give. Be very clear about your expectations. Putting your expectations in writing might be a good idea so that everyone is clear about what is expected. Then, if either the adoptive parents or the birthparents fail to adhere to what was promised, you can go back to the original agreement and ask that the other party respect the boundaries that were set up in the initial meeting.

Being very clear up front can go a long way toward helping the relationship to run smoothly. It is very likely that neither the adoptive parents nor the birthmother have been in an open adoption relationship before. Since this is new to both, it might take a little work to get things running smoothly. Keep in mind that you are all doing this for the child. Your child will appreciate having adoptive parents and birthparents who are respectful of one another.

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If you struggle with any of the fears in this Top Ten list, you are not alone. It is nothing to be ashamed of – it is very human. I, too, struggled with some of these fears. I overcame them by educating myself about open adoption. It is normal, and very human, to fear the unknown.

Don’t let your fear of the unknown prevent you from examining the options and making the best decision for your family. Whether you choose a closed, semi-open, or open adoption, make sure you are making your choices for the right reasons. You have nothing to fear from the birthmother. Right now, while she is a theoretical idea, she might seem “scary.” When you meet the flesh and blood woman who chooses you to parent her child, you will be overcome with gratitude. After 17 months of “rejection” from other placing mothers, I wanted to kiss this woman’s feet for choosing us. You will be amazed at how differently you feel when the placing mother becomes a reality rather than a theoretical possibility.