Infant adoption, child adoption, domestic adoption - Reasons Adoptive Parents Resist Open Adoption: It’s Harder to Close an Adoption Than Open One

03/08/07

Reasons Adoptive Parents Resist Open Adoption: It’s Harder to Close an Adoption Than Open One

Posted by : Faith Allen in Hoping to Adopt Blog at 05:19 am , 394 words, 126 views
Categories: Open Adoption

9. It’s a lot harder to close an adoption than to open one.

Yes, this is true. However, if you start out with a closed adoption, opening it up later might not be an option. If you decide later that you want to open up the adoption and the birthmother has moved away without leaving a forwarding address, that option might no longer be available.

You don’t have to commit to a fully open adoption right away, and you don’t have to commit to one until after you have met the birthmother. Rather than say that you will not consider any level of openness, why don’t you wait to make this decision until after you meet the birthmother? You can agree to a semi-open adoption in which no identifying information is shared. You can get to know her face to face and then decide how much openness you feel comfortable with. You might be surprised with how much you connect in that initial meeting.

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I was 100% against any level of openness when I started the adoption process. I grudgingly agreed to a semi-open adoption because our agency handled very few closed adoptions. After I met my son’s birthmother, I felt significantly more comfortable with the semi-open arrangement. Now that I have experienced adoption and met my son’s birthmother face to face, I would be comfortable with even more openness with my son’s birthmother. I agreed to send her pictures and letters twice a year. On my own initiative, I have added several videos and some of my son’s drawings to the packages. I even sent her a lock of his hair. I never would have dreamed that I would be comfortable with any of these things, but I am. There is a big difference between a theoretical birthmother and a real, flesh and blood woman.

It is okay to take things slowly, as long as you are up front with the birthmother about this. Never lie to her about what you are willing to do. I will discuss this further in a later blog. Let the placing mother know that you are willing to meet her and send her pictures and letters in a semi-open adoption arrangement. Then, after you meet her, if you feel comfortable, you can let her know that you are open to more.

2 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Jenna Hatfield [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

I think #9 is completely backwards. I think opening a closed adoption is something that is too hard for most people to fathom. Setting up boundaries with someone you don't even know. Searching for them if they've completely lost contact, etc.

To close an adoption? You change your phone number. And don't return letters.

:(

Permalink 03/08/07 @ 06:17

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

Jenna,

I tend to agree with you. I included this topic because several adoptive parents have expressed this concern to me, so I thought I should address it. That being said, my experience has been that it is actually harder to open an adoption. I would be willing to exchange full identifying information w/my son's birthmother. However, because we have a semi-open adoption arrangement through the agency, whatever I say to her is "screened" so I don't think I would be allowed to offer this. I never got a chance to find out because she moved and left no forwarding address, which effectively closed our adoption. So, at this point, I truly do not have any other option except to wait until she gets in touch with the agency or my son is old enough to choose to search for her.

All that being said, several adoptive parents have told me that it is hard to rein things in if an open adoption arrangement does not go well, especially if visits have been involved and the birthmother knows where you live.

If anyone has personal experience with this issue, please feel free to leave a comment.

Take care,

- Faith

Permalink 03/08/07 @ 06:36

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