The mother in a family waiting to be matched recently said, “I can’t wait to meet my birth mother!” I was confused at first, also assuming she was an adoptee who was waiting to reunite with her biological mother. Keeping confusions at bay is only one reason to discuss the issue of “our/my” birth mother and “our/my child’s” birth mother.
Because there’s a difference.
Our/my birth mother leads people to believe that you are an adoptee waiting to reunite with the mother who relinquished your for adoption. Furthermore, many birth mothers find that it sounds as if the adoptive parents are taking ownership of the birth mother. I understand why it happens: it’s shorter to say. Yet, it’s not quite right, now is it?
By saying our/my birth mother, you are stating that the birth mother in question gave birth to you. That’s pretty silly! And confusing. Confusion aside, you need to clarify not for the benefit of others but for the benefit of your child. Your child will have you for everyday parents. However, your child will also have a birth mother. Honoring that by properly giving ownership of the relationship to your child is thereby honoring your child. And I know that all parents want to properly honor their children. Right?
I bring this up not to chastise or point fingers. I bring this up so that people might recognize the importance of allowing your child to be the owner of the relationship between he and his birth mother. Yes, until your child is old enough to manage said relationship on his own, you will be that necessary and beneficial go between. However, to allow even a semantic ownership will allow for an easier transition to the point in time when your child is managing his side of that relationship. Honoring your child’s birth parent by the proper titles and by other little things will also honor your child. It in no way demeans you, of course, as you are, first and foremost, your child’s parent. Don’t forget.
Next month, however, we’ll talk about some more semantic issues that may seem minor but mean a great deal in the grand scheme of respecting others in the triad.
Hmmm….I never thought of it that way. It totally makes since. I, personally, have called “A” our birthmother. I did this mostly before I knew her name. I prefer the name since it is more personal.
I did this as a connection like a family one, not an ownership. Now I see my ignorance. I was saying “our” or “my” as in family relation…my cousin, our nephews, etc.
Definitely gave me food for thought.
I found this way of referring to a child’s birth parent more common in ‘closed’ settings where a group of adoptive moms (and dads) are talking about their experiences with ‘their birth mom’. When you have 2 or more adopted children of different birth moms, it becomes much easier to stay away from this. So much of open adoption is educating those not in the open adoption world of the terms, that it is best to use the correct terminology at all times to avoid confusion.