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I’ve seen the question posed on the forums in the past. It’s always a different incarnation, a variation on theme but the sentiment is always the same.
We’re looking to adopt again. We have an open adoption relationship with our child’s birth mother. Would it be inappropriate to ask her to provide us with a letter of reference?
I’ll admit, it seems like a good idea at first, doesn’t it? But like any situation, there are pros and cons. Let’s take a look at both sides of the coin so you can make a better decision.
First, the cons. What could possibly be wrong with asking your child’s birth mother to provide you with a letter of reference?
1. It places unnecessary stress on her and, ultimately, the relationship. While your relationship may seem peachy keen, you are asking your child’s birth mother to help facilitate another mother’s loss. She may feel fine with the situation you have created but be an unwilling partner in having another mother endure the same grief and loss that she experienced. Asking her to participate in such a thing may create feelings of resentment toward you and harm the relationship that you have created.
2. It is possible that she has kept some of her reservations regarding your parenting style and choices silent because, in the end, it’s not her business. Asking her to provide a letter of recommendation may cause some of those questions to bubble to the surface. Are you willing to risk your relationship if she does have reservations about such things?
3. What if she says no? Are you willing to let the “no” sit or will you be too curious and demand a reason? Are you willing to accept either of the above answers or any variation thereof? Are you ready to tackle the issues that those answers or any like them may bring up in your relationship? While open, honest communication is key to any relationship, are you really sure you want to open this version of Pandora’s Box?
Of course, it’s not all gloom and doom (just as it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies). There are some positives lurking just around the corner from the negatives.
1. Truth be told, your child’s birth mother may have glorious things to say about you, being perfectly content in her decision with you as a family for her child despite any emotional distress she may have endured as a result of the relinquishment process. As a mother who once searched through profiles, I can tell you that a recommendation from another birth mother who had placed with a family I was considering would have put them at the top of my list.
2. Perhaps learning the things that your child’s birth mother feels are great things about your family will spark some great conversations between the lot of you.
3. Having your child’s birth mothers “meet” via letters may help facilitate a relationship between them should the second choose to place with you. As you know already, an open adoption is an extension of family. If your kids’ birth mothers get along, it may be easier for family functions and other get-togethers over the years.
There are other pros and cons. If you have had your child’s birth mother write a letter of recommendation, how did it go for you?
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I wouldn’t do it for the same reason I wouldn’t ask someone who reported to me at work…I don’t think it’s ethical to ask someone to write a reference when you are in a position of power over them. I’m neither an adoptive parent (yet) nor a first parent, but I read over and over again about situations where things that probably seem little to the adoptive parents feel like pressure to the first mother, because the adoptive parents have complete control over access to the child. Even in a good, trusting relationship, I think the adoptive parents need to be aware of that dynamic and be careful not to take advantage of it. And even if the relationship is strong enough that the first mother would feel completely comfortable saying no, if she does write the letter, there’s always the possibility that someone else could discount the reference because they assume the first mother felt pressured.