http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/should-you-use-your-child-s-birth-mother Provides adoption information and guidance for people who are hoping to adopt a child domestically or internationally. Mon, 08 Mar 2010 23:42:47 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/should-you-use-your-child-s-birth-mother/comment-page-1#comment-536 jennakatherine Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:35:34 +0000 http://hoping-to-ad.www.adoptionblogs.com/2009/06/29/should-you-use-your-child-s-birth-mother#comment-536 I wouldn't do it for the same reason I wouldn't ask someone who reported to me at work...I don't think it's ethical to ask someone to write a reference when you are in a position of power over them. I'm neither an adoptive parent (yet) nor a first parent, but I read over and over again about situations where things that probably seem little to the adoptive parents feel like pressure to the first mother, because the adoptive parents have complete control over access to the child. Even in a good, trusting relationship, I think the adoptive parents need to be aware of that dynamic and be careful not to take advantage of it. And even if the relationship is strong enough that the first mother would feel completely comfortable saying no, if she does write the letter, there's always the possibility that someone else could discount the reference because they assume the first mother felt pressured. I wouldn’t do it for the same reason I wouldn’t ask someone who reported to me at work…I don’t think it’s ethical to ask someone to write a reference when you are in a position of power over them. I’m neither an adoptive parent (yet) nor a first parent, but I read over and over again about situations where things that probably seem little to the adoptive parents feel like pressure to the first mother, because the adoptive parents have complete control over access to the child. Even in a good, trusting relationship, I think the adoptive parents need to be aware of that dynamic and be careful not to take advantage of it. And even if the relationship is strong enough that the first mother would feel completely comfortable saying no, if she does write the letter, there’s always the possibility that someone else could discount the reference because they assume the first mother felt pressured.

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