So, Who is the Enemy?

When Robyn wrote a great post about birth mothers not being the enemy earlier this month, I wanted to run over and give her a hug. Time and distance don’t allow for it but I simply encourage you to read the post and realize that birth mothers (or fathers) are not your enemy.

So that brings up a question: who is the enemy?

It goes back to non-adoption related issues for the answer: you are your own worst enemy. Before you get all defensive, hear me out. I’m not about to call you names or tell you how horrible you are. In fact, I hope to encourage you. Read on!

When we don’t know much about something or don’t know how it will turn out, fear creeps into our beings, our hearts, our minds and our souls. We begin to come up with worst-case scenario type situations. We make mountains out of molehills. We push people away. And we generally don’t act like we normally would. I see this often in adoption because of the general unknown of adoption itself. Not even just the matching and legal adoption stages (which are scary enough) but throughout the years of openness as well.

We begin to doubt. Is this the right thing? Am I doing the right thing by my child or am I making things worse? Is this better than that decision? Should I do this or that? And while making decisions for your child is 100% what you should be doing, if you begin to dwell too much on the negative aspects of what your decisions may or may not entail, you’re going to find yourself tangled in a web of negativity that you not only created but you can’t get out of!

So, what to do about it?

Trust yourself. Trust your child. Trust in those with whom you have chosen to have a relationship regarding the adoption whether that’s a birth grandparent or a birth parent or a sibling. Really, in the end, learning to trust yourself can help remove the “enemy” issue from adoption in general. Knowing that you will make the best decisions for your child can help you find the confidence to hold your head high and say, “I am my daughter’s mother.” “I am my daughter’s father.” You will be. Trust in it.

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