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Unfortunately, my husband was NOT on the same page. Not even close. Throughout our 4-1/2 year journey to parenthood, he pretty much stayed 6 months behind me for each new stage. When I was ready to start trying to conceive, he tried to stall for another 6 months. When I was ready to see a doctor about why we were not yet pregnant, he was just getting ready to really “try” without medical intervention … and so it went. When I said I was ready to throw in the towel on infertility treatments and start researching adoption agencies, he was just getting his hopes up on getting pregnant. Ugh.
I did not anticipate the toll that trying to become parents would take on our marriage. I thought there was something wrong with us. We always had a good marriage – one of the most stable among our friends – and yet we never seemed to be on the same page when it came to making a family. I have since learned that this is a common issue – doubly so for hopeful adoptive couples who have to “choose” a baby over and over again. Once you conceive, a baby is coming in 9 months; there are no more decisions to be made. When you adopt, you have to choose to continue over and over again. Each time we had another “choice,” I tensed up, fearing that my husband would refuse to “choose” adoption yet again. I feared that his reluctance to move through the process meant that he did not really want the baby as much as I did. I learned after the fact that it was not the baby he feared – it was helping me to pick up the pieces if the placing mother changed her mind. He feared bringing this uncertainty into our lives and watching me get hurt. When he finally held our son in his arms, he cried in joy and awe over this amazing little boy who we worked so hard to bring into our lives.
Today, my husband is a GREAT father. He and our son ride bikes all over the place. They go swimming at the YMCA, and they giggle together while watching “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” They even look like each other with their blonde hair and blue eyes. Our son idolizes his father. He tries to be just like his Daddy, which is usually a good thing. (There are a few bad habits that I wish were NOT being passed along to the next generation. LOL) All of the fears I had about my husband not connecting with our child were wrong – those two are connected at a very deep level that nothing could sever.
I cannot imagine our lives without our son. Adding a child to our family added to our love for each other. When I see how much my husband loves our son, I love my husband that much more. Adding a child transforms you from a couple into a family. The joy of adding our son to our family made up for all of our pre-adoptive marital stress. We now have a stronger marriage BECAUSE it survived the storms of the infertility and pre-adoption years.
