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Birthdays were always difficult for me while I was waiting to become a parent. Each year, my birthday wish was to hold my baby in my arms on my next birthday. For several years, that birthday wish was not granted. Each birthday felt like it was mocking me as another year of my life came and went with no baby in sight. My 30th birthday was especially hard. I never imagined that my family would start that late in my life.
Anniversaries were tough, too. We had a five-year plan, which meant that we were supposed to have a baby in the house by the time we celebrated six years of marriage. By the time our son entered our lives, we had spent almost half of our marriage trying to become parents. We had almost forgotten what it was like to be married and NOT focused on having a child.
Birthdays and anniversaries are tough because they are personal milestones. When you want a child to be a part of your life, these events are painful reminders that your life is moving forward without the child that you so desperately want. It is normal and expected that these events will bring pain with them during your waiting time.
To get through your birthday, try to focus on the good that has come out of your life. While becoming a parent is very important to you, it is not the only facet of your life. You are also a wife, an employee, a friend, a daughter, and a sister. You very likely serve other roles as well, possibly as a mentor or a volunteer. Those roles matter, too. Try celebrating the ways that you have enriched the lives of others.
To get through your anniversary, try focusing on the positive aspects of your marriage. You were a couple before you tried to become a family. Presumably you want to bring a child into your family because you have a strong and solid marriage. Try to focus on and celebrate your relationship with your spouse.
For both of these events, nurture yourself. Do something that you enjoy, like taking a bubble bath, getting a massage, or watching a good movie. Give yourself permission to grieve, but also remind yourself that you still have reasons to celebrate the occasions.
