For those of you who are adopting after infertility, have you actively grieved the loss of your fertility? I used to believe that this was not necessary because I became a mother through adoption. I have learned that becoming a mother is not the same thing as overcoming infertility. Adoption cures childlessness, NOT infertility.

Alison Kathleen Whitney wrote the best description of infertility that I have ever read in a story entitled A Mom Wannabe. Before you click over and read it, make sure you grab a full box of tissues. I have been a mother for 6 years, and I still cried when I read this story again. She does such a wonderful job of enumerating the many losses of infertility.

I am now a mother, so I have experienced some of what she longs for, such as shopping for “adorable, soft, tiny outfits” for my baby. But most of what she wrote about I have never experienced even though I am a mother. I don’t know what it is like to hold my baby who is only minutes old. I don’t know what it’s like to feel a baby move inside of me or the wonder of having two hearts beating inside of my body. When my friends sit around talking about their pregnancies or their labor & delivery stories, I have nothing to say – I have not experienced those life events. These are all losses that I have had to grieve.

Another loss to grieve is the biological child with my nose and my husband’s eyes. It’s the loss of a dream rather than of an actual human being, but it is a loss nonetheless. Sometimes I will see a little girl with features similar to my own, and I will feel like I was just punched in the stomach. A part of myself will always wonder what our biological daughter would have looked like. This does not take away from my love for my son. I love him with my whole heart. But one child cannot replace another, even if the “child” being replaced was only a hope and a dream.

Each of these losses needs to be grieved. Unfortunately, Western culture generally does not recognize the value of grieving. We might allow for grief when a loved one dies, but soon after the funeral we are expected to move on with our lives. There is little support for grieving other losses, such as the loss of fertility.

Ryan Jacobson wrote a good article on this topic called Infertility: I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me. I agree wholeheartedly with his comments on infertility:

Infertility is death, but with this tragedy there is no funeral. There is no gathering of friends and family. There is no closure.

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Now that you have chosen to adopt, it is time to grieve your infertility losses and bring closure to that part of your life. The passage of time heals nothing; it is what you do with that time that provides healing. The pain will always be there until you actively grieve your losses. Now, as you wait for your child to come into your life, take some time to grieve the biological child who will never join your family.