I am glad that this post touched you. This was a difficult thing for me to work through, too. As I said in the post, I still cry whenever I read the “Momwannabe” story, even though I have been a mother through adoption for 6 years. I still have never carried a baby in my body, and that is a loss. Like you, I, too, dread each time the conversation turns to pregnancy, labor, and delivery stories. I am reminded again that something so basic that almost ever woman on the planet has experienced has been denied me. That hurts.

I, too, wish that I could have carried my son. He has some special needs that are a direct result of things he experienced during the pregnancy — things that I never would have done. In fairness to his birthmother, she did not know she was pregnant for most of her pregnancy, so it is not like she purposely put these things into her unborn’s baby body. Regardless, my son and I live every day with the consequences. If only he could have been spared exposure to certain things in the womb, he would not have to struggle with these issues throughout his childhood. I have never partaken of these substances, so I can’t help but wish that he could have grown in my womb and been spared this. But, this is our reality, and we work through it. I would never change being this child’s mother, even with his special needs.

We did consider adopting again and even went through another home study before we decided to stop at one. During this time, I was sitting with a bunch of mothers at a play group. Everyone but me had a new baby on her lap while their older children played with my son. One woman said, “Last summer, everyone was pregnant, and now we all have our babies.” I left the room and broke down crying. Once again, I was left out, and it hurt. None of these friends knew me during the infertility years, so they did not know the depth of the pain involved.

I can honestly say that I no longer wish to be pregnant. I am nearing 40, and I am content with my life as it is. I have grieved my losses. That being said, the pain can still sneak up on me. I have learned that it is okay for this happen. I comfort myself, and then I move on with my life.

My father died when I was a teenager, and that pain will still sometimes sneak up on me, too. It doesn’t happen often anymore, but it does bubble up on occasion. I think that this is normal with all grief, whether it is caused by death, infertility, or any other loss.

Thank you for your comment.

Take care,

- Faith

For me it’s not that I even long for a bio child – I wish I could have carried and delieverd my boys. I long for the journey/the experience. I still dread conversations that turn to pregnancy, labor, the hospital, etc. I use to feel shame about still feeling some loss.

I recall sitting in a group discussion with moms at my church. As I told my story of infertility and adoption, one woman across the room silently sobbed into her hand. As she caught her breath to tell her story she explained that she had 3 bio children now and had struggled with infertility for years. My story triggered all of those emotions in her again. It made me realize that no matter the outcome with infertility, it is still a very real pain, and my pain was ok. If this woman could still feel this strong of an emotion with her infertility struggle, wouldn’t it make sense that I would too?