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I’m starting a new category in this blog: The Reluctant Spouse.
I have one, that’s why.
I’ve posted about it before. Here, and here.
He has nothing against adopting another child, he says. Except for the money factor. And we’re not talking the cost of adoption, either. Thanks to some lovely folks who participated in my unscientific poll I’ve shown him that private domestic adoption (which is probably what we’d do) is not the bank-breaker that we’d originally thought.
It’s the other costs:
3 years of pre-k = $18,000
clothes, food, etc, = I dunno, a lot.
me not working full time = -45,000/year
college: yikes!
prescriptions for antidepressants… (ha ha, just kidding!)
Ouch.
So I get it! I really, really get it. That’s why I’ve purchased Powerball tickets (drawing Weds. night – cross your fingers for me!).
Here’s a great discussion from Adoptive Families about reluctant spouses. And here’s an essay by Jill Smolowe about having a reluctant spouse.
Is your spouse reluctant? What are the issues you’re dealing with?
And although it doesn’t apply in your case, Adrienne, here’s the link to my blog on reluctant spouses:
http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/reluctant-spouses-speak-slowly
Thank you for that – I should have remembered.
A
By the way, I love your graphic on this post. It’s so…so…well, reluctant spouse-ish.
Hello; I am a reluctant spouse.I think adopting is great.My wife and I can`t have children and she wants to adopt.I fell bad that i`m reluctant,but I am having a hard time with the idea because it is someone else`s baby.How can I get past that? The bad part is I was adopted by the greatest parents.How do I get past the feelings of the child not being mine? The money is a factor also but I can get past that. Think you for the blog.
in response to irisheagle, my husband is reluctant for the same reasons. we have 3 children of our own, the oldest who is mine from a previous marriage whom he adopted. it’s been my heart to adopt since i was in highschool. my heart goes out to children who are in need of a chance in life, in need of love and support from parents. i just keep trying to remind him of what WE as a family could offer a child who without us doesn’t have the necessary love and support or direction in life that we could give.
In response to queeneene, my husband too is reluctant. I too have 3 children of my own but have also always wanted to adopt. In fact I made this clear to my husband before we even got married. My sister is a doc and recently told us about a patient – a little girl (with some special needs) who needs to be adopted. My husband and I went to visit her – I fell in love and he did not. It has now put a huge strain on our marriage and now my husband says he never wishes to adopt. When confronted with a real adoption situation, he has so many issues – financial, it will take away from our other kids, etc. I feel so sad for this little girl who didn’t choose to be where she is. I am having a really hard time letting her go – and my husband can’t believe I am making such a big deal about it.
having always thought adoption was in my future i gave little thought that my spouse wouldn’t embrace it in the way i have. now that we are trying without success to start a family i am discovering that i made too many assumptions on the topic. in my mind i thought it a no-brainer…why wouldn’t two people who have more love than they can express not want to give that love to a child whether biological or not? we want a family…they want a family. it seemed logical, ideal, blessed!
now, i don’t blame my husband nor fault him for his feelings on the subject. i respect it but it’s hard for me because i don’t feel the ‘loss that he does at the struggle of not being able to get pregnant. i don’t see it as a means to an end…a last resort. and although i haven’t abandoned hope on a biological child, my struggle is with the thought of abandoning the possibility of adoption. he is, as this blog has defined, a reluctant spouse to say the least.
i don’t want to push adoption if he truly cannot say he’d love our adopted child the same as if the child were born of our blood. it just wouldn’t be fair to the child. how can i move past this? i’m sad inside and it is affecting my desire to be close enough to keep trying for a family (and i do want a family.) how have you all coped?