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One issue with which many hopeful adoptive parents wrestle is whether it is okay to turn down a referral of a child or a match with an expecting mother. The short answer is yes – It is always okay to turn down a referral if you do not feel comfortable moving forward with the match. In fact, I believe it is unethical and unwise to accept a referral if you have serious reservations about the match. No one is well served if you cannot embrace the child as your own.
Many hopeful adoptive couples feel guilty about turning down a referral or a match. The adoption process takes a long time, and they feel as if they are being ungrateful if they say, “No,” when they are finally chosen to parent a child. Guilt or fear about how others will view you is not a good enough reason to proceed with an adoption. Every child deserves to be raised by parents who love the child and truly want to parent him.
If you truly do not want to parent a child with a particular issue – regardless of what the issue might be – then you have no business adopting that particular child. If you turn the down the match, another adoptive couple will be given the opportunity to parent that child. Adoptive parents who want to adopt a child with a particular issue are always a better match than adoptive parents who “settle” for a child out of guilt.
If you have reservations about a referral or match but choose to proceed, be honest about your reservations, particularly if you are matched with an expecting mother. After an expecting mother has selected you to parent her unborn child, she goes through the process of trying to wrap her mind around you raising her child. If you back out of the match after the baby is born without letting her know you are having reservations, she will be blindsided and put in a very difficult position of selecting another couple to adopt her baby (unless she chooses to parent) while dealing with the postpartum aftermath.
Be very honest with yourself about your feelings toward a particular child before committing to the referral or match. It is much easier on all involved for you to decline the match initially than to back out at the last minute or, even worse, to raise a child that you do not really want.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
