Four years ago, my family experienced a most stressful holiday season. In October of that year, we matched with Jack’s birthmother. As soon as we matched, our agency pretty much dropped every ball. We were adrift. We had exchanged email addresses with S, but she didn’t respond to our messages. We were confused as to how we should proceed with our relationship. My mother waffled about throwing me a baby shower as I wondered if we really were going to be parents soon.
At the same time, my grandfather was ill, and one of my aunts was making that situation even worse. Suffice it to say, words were exchanged, angry ones, in the middle of a restaurant. Family tensions ran high.
Looking back, despite the trials, there were some bright spots. At the beginning of December, we discovered that S had moved and didn’t have computer access. I was able to talk to her on the phone, and we began talking almost daily. My mother did decide to throw me a small shower, which went nicely. In December, I experienced my first zero-pain day in three years.
When we announced that we matched with S, a friend wrote back:
It’s not often that you’ll be looking PAST Christmas with anticipation like this.
When we signed with our agency, we were told the process would be quick. Although I was telling people that we hoped to have a baby by spring 2006, we almost matched three times, and each baby would have been born before Christmas. I was thinking about Baby’s First Christmas outfits. I wanted to buy loads of baby stuff. My arms ached for my little boy.
But we had to wait. I had to watch pregnant and parenting friends get the cute little baby outfits. I had to endure countless questions from family members, as well as quizzical looks from shoppers in Target’s baby section when they asked, “When’s the baby due?” and I’d say “January”. They would look pointedly at my mid-section. While I was fat, I wasn’t pregnant. Yay – explaining adoption to strangers, and I wasn’t even a parent yet.
I wanted to be able to say that it’s all a distant memory and I look back on those days and laugh. Not so much. Certainly, the wait was worth it. In retrospect, having a newborn for the holidays would have been pretty crazy, given the (lack of) sleep schedule. But while you’re waiting, the holidays can be another reminder of what you don’t have.
I recommend some retail therapy. Seriously. Give in and buy a few of those Baby’s First Christmas items. (I bought a Hallmark ornament that read “Baby’s First Christmas, 2005″. I took a gold pen and changed the “5″ to a “6″. Voila!) Make an Amazon.com wish list. Buy something completely impractical. Then, go to a movie with your spouse, partner, or friends. Revel in the freedom of shopping when and where you want, without worrying about paying a sitter or placating a child.
Waiting sucks. But the holidays are a time to draw close to our families and friends, and to celebrate making it through another year together.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks for this post. This is right where I’m at. We are adopting in The Philippines (where we live) and had been told we’d be matched by July/August. With little information and/or contact since then we’re still waiting. For a while I looked at the clothes for our little one to come, almost daily. I had so many thoughts of this Christmas with our new little boy which now almost definitely won’t be happening. Well not til next year anyway. This year we’ll be meeting my brother’s little son for the first time, and although I know it will be a time of great joy, I also know it may be difficult at times too.