What Are Expectant Parents Looking For?

One of the most often asked questions on the forums is any variation of this:

“What are expectant parents considering relinquishment looking for in an adoptive family?”

Often asked to parents who have already relinquished a child, the questions usually get rather specific. Is it okay if we have other children? Will they approve of our professions? Our religion? Our finances? Our enter characteristic here? In every question posed to current birth parents, you’ll find a mix of answers: yes, no, I didn’t think about it, it was a deal-breaker and maybe. All answers to the same question and it happens each and every time.

And that’s the rub for hopeful adoptive families.

There’s no way to tell what any individual expectant mother is thinking as she views the profiles of families. If the father is actively involved in the choosing process, chances are that the two of them might have their own set of criteria making it even harder to pinpoint exactly what the two may be looking for in parents for their child. There is only one truth when it comes to this point: all mothers and fathers are looking for what they have individually chosen as important.

As an example, when looking for parents for my daughter, I had a number of things that were high on my list of things to consider. At the top of the list, I wanted my child to have siblings already in the home. Meanwhile, in a recent discussion on that very topic over on the forums, another birth mother mentioned that was what she was trying to avoid in a family for her child. Just another example of how it’s so hard to pinpoint what it is that expectant parents are looking for in a family.

And, therefore, here comes the advice: be yourself. You can make a fancy profile. You can pay someone to take fancy pictures. You can hire someone to pick the right paper and make it look snazzy. But, in the end, expectant parents considering placement are not foolish. If you are misrepresenting yourself, it is likely they will see through your facade. In the end, being yourself is the safest bet. Maybe you’ll wait a bit longer but, in the end, wouldn’t you rather match with a mother who becomes a birth mother that you don’t just tolerate but genuinely enjoy? Someone who has chosen you for reasons she respects and admires you for? Someone who may share those similar characteristics and, in the end, you can admire as well? It is far better to be yourself and be honest than to lie and have it come back to haunt you in the future.

All the same, I encourage you to frequent the forums and read the questions that have already been asked by families before you. Then, when you’ve exhausted that, go ahead and ask your very specific “is-this-okay” question in a forum like Communication Between Birth and Adoptive Parents. I can assure you, however, that the answer will most likely be, from at least one mother who has placed a child for adoption, “Yes, that’s just what I was looking for when I placed.”

Photo Credit.

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