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I always encourage people to talk to different members and idiosyncracies of the triad. I don’t think that people always understand why I encourage such a thing. The truth is that you can learn so much, even from people choosing your path. Why? So many things make for super unqiue experiences. You can learn what to avoid, what to do and what to help along. So who can teach you what?
1. Adoptive parents choosing your path can teach you what to do. They can also teach you what to avoid. They can tell you who is a good person to contact and who should be written up for ethical considerations. They can tell you their challenges and how you might hope to avoid such a thing. They can encourage you when the going gets tough.
2. Adoptive parents choosing a different path. (Meaning: you have chosen one method of adoption (international for example) and they adopted via a different path (foster for example). But many people say, “They didn’t experience what we did! How could they help?” Quite simply, while their legal process may have been different, the emotional processes that they might have had to endure could be strikingly similar. You may find that you have more in common than you thought and, in the end, you could learn a lot from one another. Try it.
3. Birth parents in open adoption AND birth parents in closed adoption. Why both? They each bring something different to the table. And don’t automatically assume that the open adoption birth parent is the happy one or vice versa. I’d encourage you to find birth mothers with good and not-so-good experience for a rounded look at the issue. In the end, you will get a different glimpse of anything you had previously considered about the mothers who relinquish and what it means for your child.
4. Most importantly, adoptees. I’d encourage you to talk with young adoptees and adults alike. Also, go with all “kinds” of adoptees: closed domestic adoption, open domestic adoption, international young child, international older child, younger adopted foster child, older adopted foster child, kinship adoptees and everything in between! Why? Maybe you’re going down a path of adoption right now that may not fit best with what you can provide to a child. Learning about the challenges adoptees faced being adopted in the manner that they were might teach you something that you didn’t know you would learn.
In the end, we can learn so much from one another. We really can. It just takes you stepping out of your comfort zone and asking someone to share their experience. Most of the time, people enjoy sharing their stories. Go for it.
