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In the immediate aftermath of a failed match, you’re probably not in an introspective mode, asking questions like, “What have I learned from this experience?” However, as the days turn to weeks and you begin to look to the future once again, I would encourage you to pause for a moment and ask those important questions. While dwelling on the past is never conducive to healing and growth, learning from the past can help us start off on the right foot toward the new version of our future.
So then, what questions should you be asking yourself in the wake of a failed match? There are many. I am going to list a few of the Very Important Questions just below. We’ll discuss them first.
- Was this simply a case of a mother choosing to parent?
- Did we overstep any boundaries with regard to the expectant family?
- Is the agency we are working with acting ethically? If not, should we continue with this agency?
These are three very important questions for you to consider, answer and apply to the future of your adoption journey. Let’s take a look at what the answers to these questions might mean for you as you begin to pick up the pieces.
The first question is one that you have no control over and, therefore, might seem like the worst. I encourage you to look at this question as the least offensive of the three main questions. Why? This reason is less about you and more about the expectant parent(s). Deciding to parent their child was likely not an easy decision, especially if they had already entered into a match with your family. However, it is well within their rights to do so. As such, understand that they were simply attempting to make the decision that they felt was best for them at the time. It is unfortunate that you were a casualty in the process but, in most cases, it has little to do with what they thought of you and more about what they felt they could live with in the end.
The second question is harder for waiting families to consider. It’s hard to look at a situation in which you have lost the hope and a dream of something, a child, and ask, “What did I do wrong?” However, taking the time to ask this question might help you in a future match. If the expectant (or new, if the child has been born) mother is still open to speaking with you (though she may feel badly and want to avoid any possible confrontation), consider asking her if there was anything that you did or did not do that left her feeling uncomfortable. This would be especially important in a case where she was matched with your family and, after consideration, chose another. It could simply be a case of a better personality match in instances like that one and, at that point, you have to believe that she made the best choice for all involved. Looking at all of your contact, you might want to see if you were too forward or too reserved. Were you pushing for something that she was not interested in (maybe she wasn’t able to consider visits)? Or did you push against her ideas for openness? Things like a huge disparity in age, economic status, education and class can also make it difficult to communicate. Were you working to overcome such issues if they existed in your match? Questions like these, for which you may not have any feedback from the other party, are hard to consider but, in the end, vital to moving forward.
The third question is, by far, the most important to ask and consider. Is the agency you are working with acting in an ethical manner? Were the rights of the expectant mother being considered and protected? Were you both provided with separate legal counsel? Were both parties involved in counseling as to the ins and outs of what adoption entails and what life will be like in the days, weeks and years post-placement? Were you encouraged to “skirt” the laws of your state and offer money, gifts or other such things to the expectant family? Were you encouraged to withhold certain information by advisement from the agency that it might “scare off” the expectant family? Were you ever encouraged to blatantly lie? If you answered any of those questions (and more) with even a slight hesitation of a maybe or a yes, you need to reconsider your agency. Perhaps the reason the match fell through was because someone advised the expectant family that the agency wasn’t being completely honest with them, protecting their legal rights or acting in their best interest. Adopting unethically can not only leave a bad taste in your mouth but can come back to haunt you later. If not in a legal manner (such as if the biological father wasn’t properly informed or involved), then quite possible from an emotional stand-point when questioned later by your child.
In a post later this month, I’ll hit on some smaller, minor things that you can learn from failed matches. These three, however, are things you might consider the “Big Three” when it comes to helping yourself learn, grow and heal after a failed match. I’ll also talk soon about the importance of grieving a failed match, more about the ethical implications of your agency and, as I said, some more things to consider and learn in the aftermath of that failed match. Stay tuned to the Hoping to Adopt blog!
Perhaps you will cover this in your next blog – I would hope that people who experience a failed match learn what it is like for someone to lose a child. I would hope that there is heightened sensitivity to what the mother and father are sacrificing so adoptive parents can experience the joys of parenthood. I would hope that there is a realization that a person bearing a child in less than ideal circumstances is a human, not a vessel to produce someone’s dream child.