What to Talk About In a “Match Meeting”

If you’re pursuing a private, domestic infant adoption, you will likely “match” with expectant parents before the baby is born. This usually involves a meeting with an expectant mother. That meeting may take place in person or over the telephone. Your agency will likely be involved in facilitating the conversation. A common question from prospective adoptive parents: What do I talk about in a match meeting?

I can tell you what not to do – follow the instructions my agency gave me. Even before I knew all the proper terms and tried to really think about what expectant and birth mothers might feel, I knew some of these suggestions were inappropriate, at best. The #1 item is to thank the “birth mother” for choosing you as her child’s parents. In a match meeting, you haven’t been chosen yet. Even as a novice, I knew that.

OK, sarcasm aside, what are some topics you might want to cover?

The first piece of advice I generally see is to ask how the expectant parent is doing, and to find out more about her life outside of the pregnancy. With Jack’s birth mother, she and I both enjoyed the same TV shows. That lead to conversations about our other interests and hobbies. That portion of the phone meeting was natural and conversational. I think that you want more natural moments then awkward ones, though you’re not going to avoid the awkward moments entirely.

If the expectant parent asks, you can provide a brief summary of your life – where you live, where you went to school, etc. Don’t assume that she wants a blow by blow of your relationship with your spouse. Be prepared to answer her questions. This street goes both ways. Jenna recently wrote an insightful post, Answering Questions from an Expectant Mother. I recommend reading it, if you haven’t already.

If you’ve experienced infertility, don’t go into detail about it. Your agency representative may want to get your reason for adopting “out there” and it’s appropriate to mention. However, you’re not in a contest. It’s not like a person will choose you over another couple because you’ve been “trying” for 5 years and they’ve only been trying for 2. You’re adopting, which means you want a baby. Provide a brief explanation of why you chose adoption without going into excruciating detail.

Hopefully, your agency representative has shared some information with you prior to this meeting. This would include how far along the expectant mom is, where she lives, her age, whether or not the expectant father is involved, and perhaps details such as what she’s been doing during her pregnancy. If there’s anything that you don’t know that you need to know before you can make a decision about going forward, write it down before the meeting. You could get to talking, your agency representative could be rushing the conversation, or the conversation could go in a completely different direction than you intended. Having written questions helps you remember what’s important.

When you ask questions, don’t ask out of morbid curiosity. Ask about what you need to know. Save the curious questions like, “What do you mean your stepmother’s racist?”, for a later time. (Yes, my son’s birth mother’s stepmother is racist, and S and I did have a very interesting conversation about racism, months after the match meeting.) I don’t recommend quizzing an expectant mother about her possible substance use, or asking for details of every doctor’s visit.

Ask the expectant parents what they want for their child. Ask about what is important to them. Ask them what they would like to see the adoption become. Some parents I know were told that their children’s birth mothers wanted closed adoptions, only to find out later that they never knew open adoption was a possibility. If you have an idea of what you want the adoption to be (and you probably should) then share it.

Ultimately, you and the expectant parents are interviewing one another for the world’s most important job. The expectant parents are considering you to parent their child. You’re interviewing the expectant parents to determine if their child could be your child. It’s a very delicate situation. Be tactful. Be friendly. Be human.

Photo Credit: Robyn C. All rights reserved.

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