Infant adoption, child adoption, domestic adoption - When Should Extended Family Be Told About Adoption?

Hoping to Adopt Blog

01/10/08

When Should Extended Family Be Told About Adoption?

Posted by : Faith Allen in Hoping to Adopt Blog at 05:40 am , 432 words, 2064 views
Categories: Decisions

I was talking with a friend whose adult child has decided to adopt. The hopeful adoptive parents decided to adopt and even went through the home study process before letting their families know about their plans to adopt. They had already made decisions about the ethnicity of the child and the type of adoption they were seeking. By the time the extended family knew about it, the adoption was well under way.

I can see how the extended family could feel shut out when they find out well into the process that their loved ones plan to adopt a child. I can also see how a hopeful adoptive couple might not want the input of multiple relatives on such an important decision that spawns about a thousand additional decisions.

For example, let's say that you really want to adopt a child of a different race from another country. And let's also say that you have relatives who might not be 100% supportive of this decision. If you let them know ahead of time, then you might have to deal with multiple "let me talk you out of this" conversations, whereas telling them after you have already made the decision means that they just need to figure out a way to deal with it.

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Even though telling the relatives later avoids a bunch of conversations you don't want to have, shutting them out of the process completely can erect a barrier toward their accepting your child as part of your family. So, it can be a tough call to decide when to tell your loved ones that you plan to adopt.

I kept my sister in the loop the entire time, and she was 100% supportive. I knew that I would get resistance from my grandparents, so I never even told them about our plans to adopt until after the home study was completed and we were waiting to be matched with an expecting mother. They were taken aback and not particularly supportive in the beginning. I was disappointed, but hub pointed out that they needed time to process never having a biological grandchild through me and accepting a "stranger's child" as their great-grandchild. All of their reservations melted away when they met my son the first time.

I do not believe there is one answer that fits all situations. If you have relatives who might not be supportive, you need to weigh out the benefits of including them in the decision-making to help with bonding versus the cost of having to listen to unwanted input.

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Ron and Jessica [Member]

· http://www.ronandjessica.blogspot.com

Your extended family is such an important part of your networking. They should know as soon as possible. You never know if maybe they know your birth mom.

Permalink 01/10/08 @ 16:23

Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]

I do not think my mother will be supportive of my decision to adopt in the future.
Especially since one place I want to adopt from is Vietnam.
She will lecture me.
I did tell my father though for some reason.
But I think my mother would again mention how difficult I was as a child.\But she didn't raise me that much.

Permalink 01/10/08 @ 22:51

Comment from: John [Member]

If a couple decides to have a baby, the extended family is not part of that decision making process, nor should they be. They surely get no extra rights because the child is being adopted. Your true friends are the ones that support you without having to be coddled. The rest are likely to have negative stuff, why get that started before you have to? John

Permalink 01/12/08 @ 19:25

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