During the home study process, you will be asked when (or if) you plan to tell your child that you adopted him. When is the best time to tell a child about his adoption? Let me start by telling you when not to tell a child about his adoption – on his wedding day!!

During my series on Deciding to Adopt a Child, a reader left the following comment:

When this topic came up in my home study class, the agency rep told the story of a couple who planned to hide the adoption. This was an Asian couple who wanted to adopt from China. They were going to have the wife leave town for several months and then come back with a baby. They did plan on telling the girl she was adopted ---- ON HER WEDDING DAY!!!! Although my children are still young, adoption is a regular topic around here. They may not understand much of it yet, but they will grow up knowing. – Bluebluepink on comments for Deciding to Adopt a Child: Talking About Adoption

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Is anyone else as appalled as I am that someone would think it is a good idea to drop that kind of emotional bomb on a person's wedding day!?!! I cannot fathom why this couple thought this was a good plan. A wedding day is about a person's future, not his past. Dropping this bombshell on that day, of all days, would commemorate the day that the parents admitted to lying to the child for her entire life and then ruined what should have been the happiest day of her life. Very, very bad plan.

So, I have ruled out one day for you. When should you tell your child about his adoption?

In my opinion, the child should never have a "moment" in which he learns about his adoption. The adoption is not a shameful event that needs to be hidden. If you will talk with your child about his adoption from time to time on a regular basis throughout his childhood, then he will never have a "moment" in which he "learned" about his adoption. He will just remember always knowing this fact about how he joined the family.

The alternative is to lie to your child until he reaches a certain age (please, not the wedding day!) and then fess up to the truth. In the meantime, you must lie about having been pregnant and all that entails. While I have grieved the loss (or, more accurately, inexistence) of my fertility, I still bear emotional scars from that experience. I could not lie about carrying a child inside of my body when I did not.

If you do choose to keep things secret until a certain point, be prepared to explain why you chose to lie. Also, be prepared to undo the message that you are sending about an adoption being something that must be hidden from others.

Related Topics:

• Deciding to Adopt a Child: Talking About Adoption



• “From God to My Birthmother to You”




• Adoptees and Adoptive Parents



• Talking Openly with Adopted Children About Being Adopted Part 1



• Talking Openly with Adopted Children About Being Adopted Part 2



• Tips On Talking To Children About Adoption

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