On the Russian adoption listservs that I read, frequently people will indicate that they were alarmed because when they first met their new child "they felt nothing." Well, I'm sure they felt something: fear, anxiety, surprise? But they didn't feel what they expected to feel, which was an instant outpouring of love. They wonder if they've made the wrong choice or if they've accepted their referral in error.

When this happens people are quick to respond about their experiences. It seems a good amount of people don't fall in love at first sight and in fact, take a while to bond with baby. Some children aren't used to being touched and may arch their backs or scream if you try to be affectionate...some children are sick or malnourished, which can be off-putting...and all newly adopted children from an institution see you as simply another caretaker in their lives. Depending on the child, this latter issue may pass quickly or slowly.

In our case we actually did really like Little J right away when we met him, but that was mostly because he was so darn affectionate! He was indiscriminately affectionate, of course, but to have those little arms around my neck in the first five minutes of meeting him did a lot to warm my heart. We didn't, however, fall in love with his picture. For one, our agency sent two pictures of two different children, so we didn't know who to fall in love with, and for another thing, the picture that turned out to be Little J was not very cute. He looked very pale and sick, as a matter of fact. It worried us.

I imagine that the worry about not having an instant bond is common in all types of adoption. Attachment, of course, is not just from the child to the parent, it is also the parent to the child. No one expects the child to instantly attach. Why do they expect the adults to?

The difference, of course, between the child's attachment and the parents' is that in order for things to work out well the parent has to pretend to attach, even if he or she is not feeling attached. Playing the role of simple caretaker will only keep you in that role to your child. So close your eyes and imagine you're in love...and you will be, soon enough.