Infant adoption, child adoption, domestic adoption - Why is it so offensive to suggest that people adopt?

Hoping to Adopt Blog

11/09/06

Why is it so offensive to suggest that people adopt?

Posted by : Adrienne Bashista in Hoping to Adopt Blog at 09:49 am , 407 words, 176 views
Categories: Adopting After

Here's a question for all of you out there in blog-reading land: why is it so offensive and sensitive to suggest to infertile people that they consider adoption?

I have never understood this, and I'm not trying to be offensive when I ask this question, merely honest. I want to know. This is probably a good place to ask this question because if you're here then you're at least considering adoption. It's not like this is an infertility board (although we do discuss the topic). So hopefully whoever is reading this is past the point of being offended. I hope.

Yesterday I was reading a series of posts on a non-adoption related message board in which people were discussing single parenthood. People agreed that it was a difficult choice, and most people thought single people had a right to have children, be it through adoption or biologically. There was some interesting discussion as to whether insemination through donor sperm was ethical or not...and then people started talking about adoption as a good option for women who had no partner or who were unable to bear children on their own.

SPONSOR

for California

One poster then got very offended. She told the people on the board never to suggest to a couple or a person who were experiencing fertility troubles that they adopt.

But why? She didn't say why, just that it was wrong to suggest it. I didn't get into the conversation on that board, but I was reminded once again that I don't get why people would be offended by the suggestion. I have heard this time and time again - only the people who are infertile should bring up adoption. No one should suggest it to them.

Huh? It seems to me that everyone should suggest it to them! But maybe I'm in the minority?

When my husband and I were having our fertility issues I was totally open to adoption. I have good friends who adopted their children and honestly, to not consider it seemed like an insult to them. My husband took some convincing, but I never found the suggestion of adoption offensive in the least. But maybe I'm rare? I never thought of adoption as second-best to 'having my own' - I thought of it as just another option.

Do you find it offensive? Was there a time in your journey to parenthood that it bothered you, even it if doesn't now?

Educate me!

7 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Lauri [Member]

· http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/

It never bothered me overall... it was when it was said like this
" Just adopt, pregnancy is overrated" to me its apples & oranges( pregnancy & adoption). I think every person has to come to adoption on their own terms & at their own pace... goodness knows its hard work and i would rather have people feel called towards it than go into it with different expectations.

I will sing from the rooftops how amazing our adoption has been for our family... but its not for everyone

Hope that makes sense

Permalink 11/09/06 @ 11:21

Comment from: Kate94651 [Member]

I have issues when someone can "fix" my problems in a split second as though I am too stupid to have considered my options.

Also, a suggestion of adoption necessarily implies that the person should "give up" on the dream of having a biological child...which is a value judgment of sorts. And nobody likes to have their values judged.

Permalink 11/09/06 @ 11:32

Comment from: Heather [Member]

"When my husband and I were having our fertility issues I was totally open to adoption. I have good friends who adopted their children and honestly, to not consider it seemed like an insult to them."

Oh Adrienne, you have hit a nerve with me on this. We have friends who are now pregnant after 7+ years of ongoing fertility treatments; eventually traveling out of state for treatments. In the last couple of years I had talked to her about dealing with infertility (sharing my experiences) and treaded lightly on the subject of adoption. She was never really open about the adoption part. To be honest, it felt like a slap in the face. And now I can't feel that excited about her impending motherhood. I wonder if she thinks that I am less of a mom because I adopted.

I do understand that the "just adopt" attitude is annoying; especially when said by people who have not been in the trenches so to speak. But I had been through it and understood every emotion she was going through. To be honest, when we started to consider adoption, there were many things I was not sure about-one big question being "could I love a child that did not come from me?". What hurt was not that she did not choose adoption but more that she was not even open to learning more about it. And then the extreme (said in BOLD) measures she took to avoid it.

Permalink 11/09/06 @ 12:22

Comment from: Heather [Member]

Oh Adrienne, I just thought of something else that kind of ties in with this subject. As you know we have been waiting to adopt our third child. Just last week we passed on a match with a baby for a variety reasons. I was discussing the very personal decision with a good friend. After I went through our decision process and the pain I was feeling about it, her comment to me was "Do you realize how many people would not even consider adoption?". That really hit me. We have had such happy experiences I forget that there are those that would say "I could never do that" about adopting. Sounds like the same thing birthmoms hear and it hurts on both sides of the triad....

Permalink 11/09/06 @ 12:34

Comment from: MommyLis2001 [Member]

· http://www.stretchmarkmama.com

I Have No Clue. This is the kind of thing that ties my brain in knots!

I think part of it is the Control Issue. No one likes to be given unsolicited advice, especially about something so personal as reproduction/adoption.

I also know that when someone purposely chooses NOT to adopt, that I feel offended. One of these days I would like to just get over that, but I'm not there yet. :)

Well, this will be great dinner conversation tonight, thanks. :)

Permalink 11/10/06 @ 12:50

Comment from: mixtim [Member]

Honestly, folks who are infertile or who are experiencing trouble getting pregnant know adoption is an alternative. Asking them whether they have considered it is tantamount to asking "when are you going to have kids?" or "why don't you have kids?" in my book. No matter how well-intentioned the question it is still a very personal one and one that requires the respondent to explain themselves, which is wrong. No one should have to justify their life decisions. If you don't understand their decision, you should just keep quiet in my opinion.

Permalink 11/14/06 @ 07:02

Comment from: Adrienne Bashista [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I think it's interesting that for some people, suggesting adoption = suggesting that the infertile person is stupid, which I don't think is the case at all. There are a lot of misconceptions about adoption, so I know when I've been thinking about talking about adoption with someone I mostly am wondering what they're thinking and hoping I can provide information.

Sorry, but I still don't get why it's such a loaded question. I really, really don't understand why people will spend 10 years and $100,000 striving for a bio child when they could adopt one of the millions of children worldwide who need a home. There has to be a point when people say enough is enough. For some people, that's the end of the line. For others, that's when they decide to adopt.

Permalink 11/14/06 @ 09:02

Leave a Comment: You need to login to leave comments.:

Login | Register