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If you don’t know, we’re giving away three copies of the book The Primal Wound in hopes that people will participate in a blog tour on the book during National Adoption Month. Our giveaway, while hosted on the birth parent blog, is inclusive of all members of the triad as is the book tour. I want to encourage families who are considering adopting or are somewhere in the waiting process to pick up this book (or enter the giveaway) and really read it.
As a warning: it won’t be an easy read.
The premise of the book is that the process of removing the adoptee from one mother and placing the child with another family creates a, you guessed it, primal wound. The author’s website describes it as such:
The Primal Wound is a book which is revolutionizing the way we think about adoption. In its application of information about pre- and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of separation from the birth mother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior.
Doesn’t sound like fun reading, does it? Furthermore, Verrier combats the “if you just love the child enough, all will be well,” mentality that so many adoptive parents hear as well-intentioned advice. While love is necessary (so, so necessary), the book goes on to address many issues that you may not know about. In fact, as adoption agencies are not telling expectant mothers considering relinquishment about the trauma of separating the baby from its mother, they’re most certainly not telling you. It’s up to you to learn about this topic on your own free time. (Free time is something that you will become nostalgic regarding once you are actively parenting a child. Read the book now, not later.)
I am not suggesting this book as an attempt to get you to think, “Adoption is wrong,” and to abandon your plans. I am suggesting this book as a way for you to learn about a side of adoption that your agency is likely not discussing. I would honestly be willing to bet that your agency has not handed you a copy of this book and said, “Please read this.” I am suggesting that you read this book to learn. It’s a controversial book, some adoptees claiming that the sweeping generalizations don’t apply to absolutely every child ever adopted on the face of the Earth. I would agree. But what if it does apply to the child whom eventually enters your family? You can say, “It won’t happen to me. I’ll just love him enough.” Ask even children who were parented by their biological parents if love was always enough. You’ll find some who say that it wasn’t, that their parents didn’t understand nor did they make the effort to do so. Don’t be that parent.
If you read this book, adopt a child, raise that child and find, when your grown adult child reads this book and laughs, well, you will have beaten the system, don’t you think? Of course, then the question that begs to be asked remains: did your child benefit from your having read the book or was your child going to turn out to be so well-rounded whether you parented or Joe Schmoe did the rearing? These are the questions we’ll never quite know.
I do know that fear of reading this book, as I just told readers over on the birth parent blog, is not reason enough to avoid it. Fear should never be a motivating or demotivating factor in your decision making process. Go ahead and read the book. Perhaps it won’t apply to your life or the life your child. Perhaps it will. Go ahead and find out.
(If you’re really, really scared, just check out her info for adoptive parents. Her list of things adoptive parents can do is really not all that controversial or scary. Staying in contact with birth parents if possible (she goes on to say that step-parents can do it, why not you!), acknowledge feelings, never threaten abandonment, being fair and consistent and on and on. See? Not scary. Read it!)
And don’t forget, you can enter to win a copy!
I’ve joined the book circle at Weebles Wobblog to read this. I bought it when we first started researching adoption and I’ve been waiting for a time when I feel like I have brainspace for it. But, it’s now or never, I fear I’ll always put it off if I don’t get to it.
My feelings that the agency was leaving a big piece of the puzzle out were what drew me to an open adoption counselor who only works with PAP’s and expectant moms that seek open, full contact, visits etc adoption.
I hope I’ll be challenged by this book and stretch in my understanding of the adoption triad.
I’ve tried to read this book twice but I always end up putting it down after the first chapter. I get what the author is saying and I don’t disagree with her but I feel like she is just so negative and repetitive.
I dont know if you are an adoptee or not but I guess this book does speak to some people more than others. I only found out at 22 I was adopted and I only read this book at 40 years of age. To me it was amazing as so many of the chapters explained my own actions entirely. I realised I could see a huge portion of my lifelong actions and reactions in this book. Even as a child I was readting in text book fashion to an event I didnt know about conciously, It made me realise I had been the compliant child for 40 years of my life even in my marriage not just my family relationships. I feel freer having read this book as I now finally understand a lot more about myself.I guess it depends where you are in your search for yourself. I think 5 or even 2 years ago I wouldnt have been ready for this book. Maybe its just timing. Good luck.