On a recent post of mine about funding your adoption plans, I received a nasty email. To paraphrase, the disgruntled reader suggested that instead of finding ways to fund an adoption, the parents hoping to adopt could help said children by changing laws so that they aren’t “violated, kidnapped, and taken from their parents” just so the family in question can adopt a child. I’ve got to be honest: while I am 100% in favor of reform, I absolutely hate attitudes like the one.
The good news is that you, a family waiting to adopt, aren’t responsible for their disgruntled attitudes or the issues they have with the current adoption system, their families or life in general. I went through a phase of my own life where every discussion on adoption made me angry. I won’t lie: it upset me to see happy birth parents, happy adoptive parents and happy adoptees. I wanted to yell about the injustices. (And I did yell.) I couldn’t understand how anyone could be happy when so much bad was going on. Then I realized that it wasn’t the fault of x, y or z person but my own inner issues that I needed to work on and resolve.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that hopeful adoptive families should run out and kidnap children. I am not suggesting that they use coercive tactics in order to procure a child. I am not saying that abuse, neglect and other such horrors are acceptable at the hand of any parent, let alone an adoptive parent. What I am saying, however, is that as long as adoptive families are proceeding with their adoptions in the most ethical manner possible, there’s nothing to rant or rave about. Furthermore, these new adoptive families are not responsible for my emotional issues or the emotional issues of others who have already walked this road.
I know that new prospective adoptive parents are sometimes taken aback the first time someone blames them for the current state of the adoption system. I encourage you to look at such comments in a logical and somewhat removed manner. Unless you’ve been stealing kids and funding unethical adoption agencies for decades, you’re likely not to blame for the issues that currently plague the adoption system. Unless you’re counseling other adoptive parents on how to properly coerce a woman into placing her child with you, you’re not really the person to be pointing fingers at when discussions of birth parent rights come up. As long as you’re researching the laws of your state thoroughly, asking the questions that need to be asked and proceeding ethically, you’re fine. The people who verbally assault you, especially on the computer, are projecting their issues onto an easy target. You, new to the arena and unsure of how to defend yourself, are that easy target.
Shrug it off. Proceed ethically. You’ll be fine.
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Photo Credit.
EXCELLENT post, Jenna. I completely agree with all you’ve said. I believe wholeheartedly in the good that can arise out of adoption for all parties–but that does NOT make me “blind” to the other side of the matter. By the time Ava came home, I really felt as though I’d heard it all: all agencies facilitate theft, wanting a non-biological child is greedy, that only “rich people” or adopt, that my want for a child is a result of media sensationalism, etc. At first, it really bothered to me, but I’ve since learned to shrug it off and move on. I understand the principles of displaced aggression. And my heart does ache to those who have endured trauma of any sort–in ANY regard, you know?
I think you totally nailed it with this entry–I can’t applaud it enough.
Courtney